my story - jealousy and my own plans - part III

This new guy didn't try to hit on me. He was a good looking guy and was nice. We started talking. Soon, he was coming to a small group at our house on Sundays and participating in the study we were going through. He and Amy and I began going on Sunday hikes. Not too long after that, we found that we liked each other more than just friends hiking every Sunday. He asked Mom and Dad if we could begin a courtship. I know that sounds antiquated, and I don't particularly like the word either. The whole point is to get to know the other person's strengths and flaws in developing your friendship, but also protecting that person's heart at the same time. The relationship began wonderfully. Once again I felt beautiful and intriguing. But it was all a facade. Underneath it all, I was still trying to find my significance in the relationship I was in. I was still so insecure. It tuns out that we both were looking to each other for our significance and meaning.

After we had been together for just over a year, some big issues came up and I told Heath that I needed a break from the relationship. We didn't talk for over a month. Then we began to write letters to each other. I knew that something was different in Heath. There was also a difference in me too. The Lord had shown me things that I had been either ignorant of or had ignored before. Eventually we got back together and I thought that everything was going to be all right. I still had my "significant other" to make me feel significant. We did things together a lot more since Amy had moved away to work at a camp full-time and our outdoorsy friends had moved away too. Most of the time, it was just us hanging out. I went to work for part of the summer at the camp where my sister was working. She had just gotten engaged and I was feeling very jealous. I didn't want to admit that it was jealousy, but it was. She had been in a relationship for a short time compared to mine and was already getting engaged. She had the seal of approval from our parents and everyone was excited for her. I silently wished it were me. I had never expected her to get married before me. I tried to be happy with my relationship, but I wasn't.

I got back from camp and Heath and I got a lot more serious in our relationship. I began thinking of how we should be meant to be together even though there were things that weren't right. I tried to push aside things that bothered me about us. I tried to forget about things that worried me and that could (and probably would) cause problems if we got married. We started talking about getting married. My parents had told me some things before that they had noticed that were concerns to them, but I didn't want to listen. If I did, I would have to admit that something wasn't working. I'd have to admit that something was wrong. It would throw my plans off. I didn't want to loose control of this relationship like I had the last one. I definitely didn't want that. I convinced myself that I wanted to be married to Heath and that any dreams that I had previously had for my life before that, were not dreams that I had now. I spent so much energy trying to make everyone happy. I was giving up so much that I was passionate about. I have never felt so drained in my life. I didn't even have the energy to have fun anymore. I still felt strangely empty and alone. But, this was what I "wanted" and if I just got engaged and then got married everyone would be happy for us. I would be happy... I thought.

my story - high school years - part II

Then, I met James. He was a nice guy who was a cowboy type. He tutored me in math that first fall and then asked my parents if we could go out. We began a relationship that would last a year and a half. I had never had someone be so interested in me before. I loved it! Someone payed attention to the things that made me feel special and sought to be around me. Still, I was so naive and trusting. I looked to James for my significance and to tell me who I was. I was beautiful and interesting when I was with him. I felt stronger when I was with him. I liked being accepted by more people at school and treated like a cool person. The girls didn't frown on me so much. He and I were a couple and we recognized as such. What I didn't see was how false it all was. The people who liked me were his friends, not mine. They treated me well while we were dating. I never really knew any of them in depth. Our relationship was never one that was set to succeed. I didn't realize how manipulative he was and how dependent I was on him for affection and meaning until after our relationship ended. We broke up shortly after he graduated. It was a very painful breakup and I never really had closure to the relationship with the particular way that it ended. The "friends" that had come with the relationship were gone and loneliness overtook my "self-guided" heart again.

Fast forward through leaving the college prep school and finishing high-school at a local community college. I still had Amy as my constant, unwavering friend and companion. She and I grew closer as we got older. I still didn't have any consistent friends besides her. I met some people at the school I was going to, but they didn't ever develop into friendships. The same was true at church. I had outgrown the youth group and just floated through an awkward stage of not fitting into any one particular place there. 

Eventually, a college/career group started at our church and I made some friends there. I had fun. I got to know the people there a bit and we met on Fridays to hang out and play games and eat dinner. I was the life of the party. Being a social butterfly with my peers was something I had never been before. People were excited to see me. I cracked jokes and they laughed. I was silly and they got a kick out of it. The last time I had been in a group of friends like that was as a kid before we had moved. From the time I began coming to the college/career group and going to the college, I had had guys hitting on me. At school, it was mostly weird/mental/odd types of guys. I even had some guys at the church group hitting on me. I liked the attention, but I had no idea how dangerous it was. So I flirted. One Friday at a Halloween party, a new guy showed up with one of the guys who I had been trying to avoid. That's the night I met Heath. 

my story - the beginning - part I

Sometimes I feel aimless. A wandering soul that can't settle down to land on one place for long, or sometimes can't even decide where to land at all. My only redemption and strength has been Jesus. The Holy Spirit is my ultimate comfort now. I am not saying that I don't feel lonely anymore or that I don't have fears, but I can rest in Him now.

My journey has been a strange path of loneliness in the midst of people. As a child I quietly struggled with anxiety and quietly dealt with it. I am not sure why or how it was onset. I moved with my family to Arizona when I was 12. My sister and I were the best and only friends we had for a while after moving here. Soon though, we began to have classes with other kids our age through co-ops and did things like go ice skating and have pool parties. We found a church family to be a part of and have remained part of that family for about nine years now. I remember being the new kid. I wore cowboy boots and jeans and my hat until I began to realize that the kids around me saw it as a bit odd. I was around "city kids" now. No more wrangling things around outside and getting a little dirty now and then. These kids were always dressed in style with clothes with well-known labels and they had cute haircuts. This was especially true in my youth group. Most of them went to the same Christian school and had common friends. There were lots of inside jokes that I didn't understand and there was gossip about teachers who I didn't know. I would literally stand on the outside of their circle and listen and wish that I could be a part of the conversation. Sometimes I'd get that stiff feeling of anxiety and fear in the middle of my stomach. I was desperate for community with someone. There was one time in particular where I tried to "break into" this circle of people and when I did, I said something that made no sense at all. Now I don't kid around when I say it made no sense. I really said something as dumb/weird/odd as "the chickens flew through a castle". They all looked at me in silence. And then I left.

It was a major moment in my life. I have had recurring dreams of this same scene played over and over again. I was so ashamed. I felt so inadequate and so out of place. I felt like I was not good enough to know how to communicate and survive in a place with peers my own age who were part of the normal, average, school kids crowd. There were things that were so common to them that I had never heard of. They talked about songs they liked, movies they had seen, and stuff on YouTube. It was all just stupid stuff that you yak about with your friends. On one hand, I didn't want to be like everyone else. I knew that some things that they watched or did were below the standards I had set for myself. On the other hand, I felt like they looked at me like I was from a different species. I guess I was in a sense. I wanted to be a part of a group and I wanted to belong. But, I began to believe the lie that I was an outsider and always would be.

A few years later, my parents and I decided that I should try a college prep school close to where we live. I had been home-schooled up until this point in my life. I was just shy of 16. My "first day of school" was as a Sophomore. I spent a year and a half exceeding at my studies and going with the social flow. I wasn't a social butterfly with my peers at all. I got along better with my teachers. I enjoyed talking to them and hearing what they had to say. Because I respected them and payed attention, I got called a kiss-ass on more than one occasion. I was so naive and so ignorant of the dog-eat-dog, catty mess of school cliques and politics. I was so trusting and just wanted to be approved of. I thought that if I did my best, I would be. I'd soon painfully find that that wasn't true.

sleep deprivation

My body must know I am about to change 8-10 times zones forward. I haven't been getting tired/sleepy until early in the morning. My average bedtime since I got back from Texas has been about 1:30 in the morning. I figure I'll just keep letting my body stay awake later and later and try to get up later and later in the day so that I have already started compensating for the time change when I arrive. They say that you can't force your body to adjust, but I think you can start to preset a pattern. This trip, Mom has acquired some Lunesta to help us get sleep on the way there and back. I am going to try not to use it on the way there, but I will use it on the way back. My plan is to stay up to increasingly later times, and wake up at later times. In theory, I should be going to sleep at about 6am my time, and waking up at about 2pm my time. I know it sounds crazy. 

This morning I had to take my Mini to the doctor. The news wasn't so good. I have the "Cold Start Death Rattle". I had to be there at 8am, so I got up at 7. I went to bed last night around 2am, so 7am felt a bit fuzzy. I killed time at Target and then went to REI to exchange my Vibram FiveFingers for the next size up. They are awesome shoes. Anyway, I finally got my little car back this afternoon and have been feeling the effects of five hours sleep this evening. I just finished quite a large cup of coffee hoping that it would give me the boost I need to stay awake until 1:30 or so. Call me crazy, but I feel like I can't turn back now that I've already started readjusting. I just think it might really whack my sleep order out. 

Well, I guess it's now time to edit my P365 photo for the day. Check it out on flickr.com...

http://www.flickr.com/photos/foto_artefice/

photographers' woes: introduction

    yellow glass bubbles at the Phoenix Art Museum - Leica M8  1/8sec @ f2.8 - shot with yellow filter

Oh the woes of the photographer. There are many. 

I was talking to a photographer friend tonight and of course we talked about, photography. Our conversation turned to the subject of focusing, and then on to asking someone to take our picture (with our camera) who is a non-photographer. The "Shutter Disappearance Phenomenon" is a common bewilderment. For some reason when you look, smell, act, walk, have a camera like a photographer, people treat your camera as if it came from another planet. The shutter button always disappears, which in turn causes us to have to explain to the person how to take the photograph. That in turn leads to a picture of us with our mouth open at a disagreeable shape, arms bent at odd angles, and brow at an odd pitch because we are giving a photography lecture... on the shutter button. I digress. 

Another woe of the photographer is the usually "Unflattering Snapshots" the family takes of us in action. While photographers are out and about, whether working intentionally or seizing the moment, we spring into action to get the shot we want. I recently had such an experience. Some of the hunters of the family killed a wildcat and brought it home. Being excited and wanting a picture of the beautiful animal, I grabbed my fleece-lined boots and a work coat and made fast time to the porch. As I was seizing the moment and not going out for a fashion show, my boots and coat were paired with a cotton t-shirt and reflective running shorts. Jolly. The resulting photograph made of me while photographing the wildcat is a very unflattering side angle. The altitude of my derriere higher than the rest of me, with day-glo white legs coming out from under a large brown coat down into fluff-topped calf-high boots. Quite a sight. Not one for the Facebook profile page I should say...

We also have what I call "Unplugged Moments". There are so many cords to deal with when you get a lot of equipment going on. This is especially a problem when 1) you only have two USB ports 2) you use a keyboard with your laptop and 3) all of your cables are black. Such confusion can arise when you try to type thinking that your keyboard is plugged in, only to find that it was actually your graphics tablet. Or, you can't figure out why your card isn't reading, and then discover that you had the keyboard plugged in for once. So many wasted minutes banging away at the keyboard trying to think of what is wrong with the computer for the keys to not work. Good golly.

Another technical woe that we photographers run into are the "Murderous Lag Times" that we endure while working on long exposures at night or in low light. After making a long exposure (I had some recently at 184 seconds long/3 minutes), the camera takes the same amount of time to write the image onto our handy dandy little storage cards. Now for some of us who knew the age of film where you took the photo, cranked the film forward, and kept on shooting did not experience this lag in between shots. Digital era photographers have resorted to checking their emails on cell phones, reading novels, and even taking naps while waiting for their images to write. 

A review of this weeks woes:

-Shutter Disappearance Phenomenon aka. SDP

-Unflattering Snapshots

-Unplugged Moments

-Murderous Lag Times

So far, this covers our introduction to the Photographers' Woes. Please join us again next time for more woes and things that make us want to "chuck a wobbly" (or throw a fit).

new project for a new time

I took this photo the day I got home. We went and at Tonto Bar and Grill. Tasty.

I am beginning a new endeavor starting on April 1st, 2010. Project365 has been taken on my thousands of "flickrites" and involves taking a posting a photograph a day specifically for the project. I am beginning my journey into Project365 as a way to hopefully expand my photographic vision, let loose and break some photographic rules, and learn to be a better photographer through experience. I am very excited about it. I know there will be time when I will want to quit or not want to post anything, but I also know that perseverance is key. It will worth my time and the effort I put into it. You can keep up with it through my flickr.com photostream @ flickr.com. 

I am also going to be posting photos from Australia here daily so check back often. You should see photos from AUS as soon as April 10-11. There is a bit of a time difference so I am not too sure of the date.

I know I rebelled when I took my face off of Facebook, but now ladies and gentlemen, you may find me on Twitter. I am doing some personal research on stats to my flickr page and decided to use Twitter to help me notify potential viewers of what is going on. Not to mention I do miss being in the social loop a bit. I guess you could say I am still my same old unconventional self. Which I like. 

Ciao for now. If you need any inspiration photography-wise, check out photojojo.com. Great stuff. They also have some wonderful tips on Project365 as well.

The 140mph Dr. Pepper Experience

It sounded like a shotgun had gone off in the van. All I could hear was Mrs. Guillory's panicked screams. In the darkness the air had a sickly sweet smell and my face was damp. No one knew what had happened.

Bennett leaned forward from behind the front seat and grabbed the wheel, telling her not to drive off into the ditch. I didn't feel any pain and quickly turned on the overhead light to assess what had happened and to see if Mrs. G was hurt. I glanced at the windshield and saw a softball sized hole that crackled its way in a web-like fashion over most of it. My first thought was that a rock had caused the hole. Bennett helped get the car pulled over and he and I immediately began to look Mrs. G. over.

We didn't see any blood at first, but then noticed a couple of tiny little lacerations on her face and neck. Thank goodness they were no worse than a paper cut. I asked her if she could feel anything hurting and didn't see signs of anything serious. She had been on the phone with Emma had hung up before she could explain what had happened. Bennett called her back and told her that mom was OK, and that we needed to talk to their dad. 

We checked and made sure that the other three kids in the back were alright. As I looked around, I noticed that the dashboard was wet with a dark liquid.  It smelled like Dr. Pepper in the car. There were random ice cubes all over the place. There was one in Bennett's hat that had been laying on the floor. There was one in my chair. There was another in Bennett's seat. We were covered in glass shards, thousands of tiny glass shards. Glass was stuck to our faces and clothes and hair. 

Right after the windshield had been broken, Mrs. G. had asked what had come in through the windshield. Bennett and I had looked around and found the ice cube and some styrofoam, and the three kids in the back had found more of the styrofoam. It smelled like Dr. Pepper in the car, which none of us had been drinking while in the car. There was glass, foam and Dr. Pepper from the front of the car all the way to the back window. We were in a 15 passenger van. 

Bennett got off the phone with their dad and called 911. They finally dispatched police officers to the scene as well as an ambulance. Mrs. G. had thought that she had glass in her eye, so we wanted them to look at her and make sure she was alright. By the time the officers were arriving, we had found a bunch more of the little pieces of styrofoam and also discovered the bottom of the same cup. It was about a 44 ounce fountain drink. 

The EMT's looked Mrs. G. over and told us that there wasn't anything they could to for us about the glass. The best thing for us to do they said was to go to a hotel and take a shower to get it off. The policemen looked at the hole in the windshield and said that it was the worst they had seen anything make in their experience. We told them about the styrofoam and the ice cubes and the liquid. 

We had not been really paying attention to the traffic that was passing that night since it was around 9:30 on a Sunday and you don't much mind passing traffic on a highway anyway. Mrs. G. was talking to Emma and I had just turned off my iPod and was about to take off my glasses. When the cup came through the window, I dropped my iPod into my purse and somewhere in the mix my glasses ended up down on the floor beside it as well. The Lord  used my glasses to protect my eyes from getting glass in them. 

The policemen who had come to the scene allowed Bennett to drive the van to the Holiday Inn Express a half mile back in Hearn, while Mrs. G. rode shotgun. Gramm and Mattie rode in a police car and Gardner and I rode in one as well and followed them until we got there safely. Gardner had been shaky and unusually quiet and said that he had felt scared. I reassured him that everyone was OK and that the policemen were taking care of us and that Bennett was taking care of Mama G. and that everything was going to be alright. 

It took Mrs. G. and I a couple of hours to get all of the glass off of ourselves and everyone else. We had everyone take any clothes with glass on them and put them in a trash bag.  Mrs. G. and I took showers and she gave Gardner a shower since he was sticky and had some glass on him too. We waited for Mr. G. to get there with a car we could drive back home. 

After getting everyone cleaned up, I emptied out my purse and found a ton of glass in the bottom. I had a couple of little cuts on my arm from when the glass had come in. I also had glass in my shoes, which I am still getting out. I hated being sticky the most. I really dislike being sticky. 

Our conclusion is that someone coming from the next town north of Hearn had thought it would be funny to throw a full fountain drink on someone's windshield and make it sticky and gross. I am sure that the assumption was that the cup would break and that the drink would go everywhere. The people inside the victim's car would be scared, but not hurt. Part of the reason we reached this conclusion is that if someone was going to litter, they would have more likely thrown the cup out the passenger window and it would not have been so full. The ice cubes we found in the car had also not had time to melt down too much since they were still square. The bottom of the cup had hit the windshield first and I doubt if people who are just littering are in the habit of throwing a cup forward out of their car right when another car is passing. The speed limit was 70 miles per hour on this highway so with the other car going 70 and we were as well, the fountain drink came hurtling in at about 140 miles per hour. I am sure that the people who had thrown it must have meant it to be a harmless, annoying prank and never thought twice about what might really happen. It was an interesting lesson in real life on thinking twice about what you are about to do.

I thank the Lord for protecting us through the whole thing. I was so thankful that it was not an unopened aluminum can or a rock. It it had been a rock, I fear that someone would have been really badly hurt. The Lord God Almighty is Powerful and Faithful to protect us!

Pictures to follow shortly....

a couch paid me $17.08...

Yes, I said a couch. While I have been here visiting my friends, I have wanted to do my part by cleaning something or helping out wherever I can. I helped clean out one of the girls' closets and cleaned the sink and the kitchen as well. Today I cleaned the den and aired it out. The weather was so nice. I had the windows open and enjoyed the nice breeze that floated through as I worked. The best day of cleaning so far was yesterday though.

I had been waiting for the girls to get finished eating breakfast and getting ready for the day when I decided to clean the living room/piano room really quickly. I started with the dusting and then vacuumed. I had vacuumed out a few chairs as well, one of them producing a handful of broken darts and some pencils. I then turned my attention to the couch. I figured that there were probably some missing pencils used for music lessons and just regular old day to day dirt.

I lifted up the first cushion and found some grass that I am sure had been shed by someone after playing outside. I also found a bead and an unidentifiable cap to something else. Under the second cushion I found a whole slew of loose change. No, there was not $17.08 in change under there, but there was $2.08. Mama G. had grabbed her camera by this time and wanted a picture of me beside this rather large find. I also found a sort of Chinese looking coin thing with a hole in it that had one been tied on a string for a necklace. E6 was in front of the couch nest to me and in jest I looked at her and said, "Let's see what's behind door number 3!"

I lifted up the last cushion and oh mylanta! There was a bona-fide ten dollar bill right smack in the middle. I shrieked with amusement. I had just been kidding when I said lets see what's under the next cushion, but I was pleasantly surprised to find that in this house the rules are finders-keepers. I did also find some pink and blue Life "people" which the girls joked were my future family. They said that the blue one with the raisin smashed around his head was my future husband with an afro. I also suppose I am going to have two boys and a girl as well according to my allotment of colored plastic people.

So I know that all you accountants out there are going, "Ok, now she has $12.08. Where is the rest of the money?" Well, E6's idea was to go check out the couch in the den and see if there was anything else hiding out. She said that she went in there and had felt something crunchy. I went in, lifted the first cushion I came to and found a five dollar bill! I felt like I had hit the jackpot!!! I got paid by two couches in one day. I ended up with a grand total of $17.08, four Life pieces, a fake Chinese coin, a plastic army man, and a piano homework pencil. Sah-weeeet!

Today, E6 had a friend over for her birthday. He got here while I was in the throes of cleaning the den and as I stopped to break for lunch, he asked me if the family was paying me. We chuckled as I told him, "No they weren't, but the couches had." :^)

i've been adopted

I never would have thought that I could cook. I mean, I guess I always figured when I moved out I'd start to try recipes and find my own way through a kitchen. Well, I guess I got that chance to experiment sooner than I thought I would. In the past month and a half, I have made, for the first time on my own: pan seared Tilapia in a butter and wine sauce, herbed chicken, cheese sauce for broccoli, chicken alfredo, and a whole slew of other food. I didn't use a recipe and they turned out fine! I even learned how to cut an onion the right way and let me tell you, I don't hate cutting onions anymore. I've been staying with some good friends and helping out with cooking and cleaning and keeping the order. "Mama G." as I call her, is a great friend and even though she is my mom's age, I feel connected to her as if she was a friend my own age, but with the added wisdom of someone older than me. Their whole family jokes around that they are going to keep me here forever and never let me go back home. There are seven children in their family and each one has an abbreviation from the top of the siblings to the bottom. It begins with the first letter of their name and their number in order of birth. There is C1, C2, B3, G4, M5, E6, and G7. Just the other day, I was bestowed the honor of becoming A8.

My time here has been spent letting go of things about myself that I have needed to change. Actually, things that I have needed to allow to change. The Lord has been doing amazing and wonderful things in my life. He has increased my measure of self-control and added to that perseverance. I am SO excited! I have asked Him for so long to help me with self-control and it just seemed like He was taking so long to answer. But there is no other way to describe the ability to not fall apart emotionally all of the time other than to say that the Lord did it. And when things seem crappy and the sort of things that I would have wanted to back out of right away, it's easier for me to stick with it than it used to be. I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I am such a flawed person. I struggle with comparing myself and what I have to what others have. I do not always think kind thoughts or act kindly towards others. I am selfish. I don't give my Creator the kind of devotion that I should. But I know that He is working, even in my discontent, contentious, self-centered heart. 

These verses sum it up:

1 Peter 1:5-9

But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, ⁶ to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, ⁷ to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love. ⁸ For if these things are yours and abound, you will be neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. ⁹ For he who lacks these things is shortsighted, even to blindness, and has forgotten that he was cleansed from his old sins. 

It is so easy for me to forget to be dilligent in adding these things to my faith. It is easier to be lazy and not strive to be like Him, but it is so much better when I do! The past couple of months of my life the Lord has given me the grace to look upon experiences in my life than have been less than glamorous and not so fun, and to see how He uses those things for His glory. He is so incredibly Powerful. He is Faithful to love. And He is so worthy of praise.

best design inspiration site... period

I just found the best design site ever.  Period.


www.designbump.com

If you need inspiration for graphic design, photography, and a whole mess of other things you should go check it out. Even if you don't need inspiration, you should check it out. They have some awesome wallpapers (I found some sweet apple ones to put on my MacBook Pro), and I also found some sweet free fonts. It's pretty much  just amazingly awesome any way you cut it. So go check it out. You'll like it. I promise.

Also check out http://www.smashingmagazine.com for more cool design ideas, fonts, and wallpapers.

Ok, go now! Go see for yourself. Now.

Illustrated, a first attempt

I tried my hand (literally) at making a completely illustrated album cover. I have never had the talent to draw as well as my sister, but to heck with comparisons. That is something else the Lord has been helping me with; to not compare myself to other people. Especially the people closest to me. I'll have to write more later on all that He has been doing lately. Oh how He loves me so.....

more album art.... sweeeeeet

Alrighy, here are the latest efforts on the album art front. These are a little more in depth graphically than the last six I did. It was definitely more of what I wanted to achieve when I said I was going to do some more complex covers.

rain and cows

These were shots from a couple of places I visited with a friend. It was a nice day to go shooting. Although I am still having a hard time finding my photographic eye and really feeling the photographs I am making, I know that they are slowly coming back. I feel like so much exciting stuff is going to start happening, I just have to be courageous enough to go for it! I can do all things in His Strength. :^)

No More Facebook - Video

These are my reasons and insights into why I took my face off of Facebook. After being cajoled into putting it up, it is finally here. Enjoy.

Album Cover Samples

Last week I was visiting with some friends and talking through what avenues that I can use my artistic expression, and they suggested possibly getting into album artwork. I decided to create some sample album covers. This is what I came up with. I sat down and did all six in one shot and have plans to make six more with some more in-depth graphics. I just don't have internet where I am, so it's hard to find the resources I need to do some of that. I have just been relying on the actions, photos, and brushes that I have on my computer to generate these designs. Look for more to come and please give me your honest opinion on what you think about these.