journeys of a seedling...

recent photo adventures in old buildings

2010-06-15T23:18:00.000-07:00

Some of the newest photos I have done. Since I've been in Texas, I have been drawn to the many old, abandoned buildings there. They grab me somehow and I just have to photograph them. There is something so eerie yet subdued about them and there is so much mystery surrounding them. You can't help but wonder what it was like when it was new and when I family lived there, or people worked in the place.

MINI across the USA

2010-05-28T11:13:00.002-07:00

OK, I think that I know every MINI dealership from Arizona to Texas now. I bought my MINI in Scottsdale, stopped for service in El Paso, Texas, and now I am at MINI of Austin for an oil change. I've worked with Devin in AZ, and Ashley and Mike in Texas. Gus and I are making lots of friends.

I went to a graduation the other day with some friends. We were really excited about it since there was a dance afterward. We did dances like the Virginia Reel and the Reverse Nelson to hit songs off the charts right now, instead of folk music. It was SO, MUCH, FUN! I did some two-stepping with a couple of flips thrown in while dancing with Chapman and Bennett. I also successfully ripped off about one quarter of the big toenail on my right foot. I didn't realize it until the end of the dance when I looked down and saw all the blood. Gross. For whatever reason, it didn't hurt that badly. We all danced for quite a while and then the guys helped with the cleanup and moving the chairs back to where they usually are in the auditorium.

After everything was done, a whole bunch of us piled into our cars and headed off to Sonic for food and then to the theater. We went to the Sonic in Hewitt which is the one I used to go to as a kid when I lived there. My Mom would take my sister and I to get slushies after preschool in the summertime. Within five minutes of being there, Gus was surrounded by the people who had met up from the graduation. He became the favorite car to lean on and talk around. It was fun being popular! I mean, popularity is not all it's cracked up to be, but it was fun having the "fun car" that people wanted to see. I guess people might think that I'm silly to name my car, but if you had as much fun driving a MINI as I do, you'd understand that they just need a name.

We went and saw Nightmare On Elm Street which was supposed to be a horror movie. It wasn't that scary as much as it was kind of dumb. The first person to let out a yelp of fear was a guy sitting near the front. It wasn't intended to be a scary scene, but I guess he was anticipating something and he yelled. The entire theater burst into laughter! I thought it was kind of a funny movie. I mean, parts of it were funny. It was gross, but it wasn't very scary. I'm not sure I'd recommend it to someone looking for a horror movie. But it was fun to go with everyone and see the one girl who hid behind her hands for most of the time. A guy sitting next to me and I were totally calling the scenes before they happened and we SO had the plot figured out. It was a great experience.

Now, I am writing this from the Austin MINI dealership. I am picking up Mom and Dad today at the airport. I am so excited because I'll not only be seeing Mom and Dad, but I'll get my computer back from being repaired, and I'll get my new phone! Yahoo!!! It's going to be nice to be connected to family again and also to the rest of the technological world.

beautiful land

2010-05-17T22:58:00.000-07:00

I made it home. At least it feels a lot like home. My "family" here in Clifton was glad to see me since I've been gone for a while. I surprised all the kids too, which was fun. I didn't realize how much I missed them and how much I missed the green trees and seeing clouds in the sky.

I haven't been keeping up with Project 365 lately since my computer went down, and I haven't been blogging either for the same reason. I am really anxious to get the rest of my photos from Australia done so I can share them with everyone. There are so many stories tied to the photos, it can be hard to remember them all without seeing the photos again. I'll be posting new stuff as soon as I can.

We had a thunderstorm this afternoon while the younger kids were out doing a 4-H project. I was out in my hammock for a while seeing all of the clouds blow in. Through the canopy of green, grey clouds rushed in a torrent of swirling whites and glimpses of blue. The blue was that kind of sky that is so intense it hurts your eyes to look at it. I always think of how deep, vast stretches of glittering space lie beyond that piercing azure veil. The breeze picked up a little bit and off in the distance the haze of rain cleared a little revealing a window through which you could see magnificent thunderheads. It was like looking at a painting of the storm clouds that you might find in an art museum. So many different shapes and colors. The hammock swayed from side to side, like an extension of the tree branches pushed back and forth by the invisible hand of the wind. Then the wind became aggressive and demanding, threatening to bring a deluge. Eventually the rain came and surprisingly, it fell lightly, as quiet as a whisper.When it stopped, the air hung damp and heavy with the smells of cedar and bark and dirt and grass and rain. The perfume of the rain after it beats on the land is better than any other scent conceivable by human hands. I am convinced that the Lord knew just what would please the senses and soothe the eye when He created clouds and rain.

gus and me in el paso

2010-05-15T11:04:00.000-07:00

I finally gave my MINI a name. It took me a while since I wanted to make sure that it was a name that would fit, but I eventually decided on Gus. Gus and I have done a lot of motoring already this year, and on this trip back to Texas, we had to stop in El Paso for service. It turned out that I needed a new drive belt, belt tensioner, and tensioner pulley. I sat at the El Paso dealership for seven hours on Thursday, delaying my arrival time by a whole day.

I stayed with Aunt Annie Maude and her daughters and son-in-law again. They were very kind and let me stay a second night after Gus's repairs were finished. They are a lot of fun to visit with. We talk about all kinds of stuff. This time I got to meet Aunt Ann's pet turtles out in the back yard. It's hilarious! They actually come scrambling out of the bushes when she calls them. It's really cute.

On Friday, I drove the rest of the way from El Paso to Clifton. I was going to stay with my grandma first, but with the delay, it was going to be hard to meet up with my friends to get to College Station the next day unless I went straight to their house. It was a long 10 hour drive, but it was very beautiful. The Black Eyed Susans and Indian Paintbrushes were in full bloom alongside Indian Blankets and tall green Johnson Grass. It sure felt good to be done with that drive though!

glad to be back

2010-05-08T16:18:00.000-07:00

Five-hundred dollars a new logic-board later on Tuesday, I should be back to tacking away on my own keyboard again. It's amazing how much you take something for granted until it's gone. Or not available for a while...

At Manly Beach, Sydney, Australia - 2010

So, this year has flown by quite rapidly. Some of the things that have been happening include getting a new car, living with some friends for a few months (and making some fantastic new ones!), and traveling overseas. The Lord has been doing so much and has just provided for me in ways I couldn't imagine.

I have come to a place in my life now, where I am wanting to be independent. I have always had that in me, but I have also struggled with fear in going outside of my comfort zone. This year has been all about breaking out of that. I have been a lot more spontaneous and it has served to put a little more fun in my life. I have been one to try to control my situation a lot, and I worry about making decisions because I might not be in control anymore and also because it often leads to the unknown. Fear of the unknown has really bogged me down in worry throughout my growing up and I know I have passed up a lot of good opportunities that could have been great. But, everything happens for a reason. Most of the time things happen to me for a better reason than I could have come up with in the first place.

Seagulls and Pigeons in a park, Sydney, Australia

I have discovered that I don't really know myself. The journey now begins for me as I wait for the Lord to reveal my path. I am discovering new things, possible directions on my journey, and lots of good encouragement. It is also hard. I've realized how empty I've let my life become by hiding behind the fears in my life and not letting the Lord do what He does best. He is the ultimate Guide and has a way better map than I do to navigate all of the crazy stuff in life! Giving over control to Him is also not easy, but I know I won't grow very much if I don't give him everything.

I have made some pretty incredible friendships in the past few months. By giving over my fear of sharing my heart, the Lord has blessed me with a sister in Christ who I trust and admire. We share experiences and ideas and sadness, and we relish each others' happiness, laughter, and triumphs. I am finally able to look into myself and ask myself a question and truly begin to give myself an honest answer. Mostly because I was able to open up to her and answer the hard questions she asked me. A good friend is an immense blessing, and one that helps to keep you accountable is invaluable.

Mom and I talking with Uncle Max, an Aborigine at Circular Quay, Sydney, Australia

Now, my horizons are holding clouds promising more new experiences. I think school is looming large, and there is a chance for more travel as well. I am really feeling called back to school for a lot of reasons. I love learning and am really wanting more experience in the field I am in and how I can use that to impact people. I saw an article about the Surma and Mursi tribes in Ethiopia, and it really piqued my interest in how other cultures perceive beauty. Maybe I am meant to change the way the world looks at beauty with my work. It has been a conviction of mine for a while. I guess I'll see where the Lord takes it.

Most of all this year, I feel like I have been waking up from a really deep sleep. My heart is waking up and I am finding what excites me about life. I am finding my life! I feel as though my journey has just begun, even though there is a lot of "journeying" that has gone before this. I am really excited to see where I am in a year and what I am doing. Keep checking back often, you never know what adventure the Lord with have me on next!

the death of a computer

2010-04-20T02:50:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone,

Sorry I haven't been posting. My computer died. I have limited internet access on another computer, (it's SUPER expensive over here) so I can't really keep up with posting. I'll have a lot of catching up to do when I get back home. I am so bummed about my computer "chucking a wobbly". The trip has been great so far. I'll upload as soon as I can, but it may be after I get home. Sorry.

Ash

nighttime

2010-04-10T03:22:00.000-07:00

I know I might sounds crazy, but it's 3:15 in the morning and I am going to go photograph. I can't sleep, partly because I am setting my sleep cycle for Australia, and partly because I have things on my mind. It's too quiet in the house since everyone is asleep. I feel like a failure at photography. I don't feel like I make very good photographs anymore. Sometimes when I look at other people's work, it's like watching someone who can do a killer workout without even making it look hard. Sometimes I wonder if I'm loosing my edge, if I ever had one to begin with. I've made a few cool photographs lately, but I don't feel like I am doing anything worthwhile. I feel like I should be accomplishing something. It's hard to even make myself go photograph. That's literally what I have to do. I have to force myself to make a photograph. I love taking pictures. I love the end result when I get something good. I know that I am capable of making good images. I need some moral support or something. I just feel like this is sad. I am venting about creative stress and inactivity to whoever. I don't even know if anyone reads any of this. I guess if the only thing it ever gets used for is for me to write down my thoughts, then OK. I'm gonna go make myself go take some pictures. Pray that I don't chicken out. Or give up.

my story - a broken, open heart - part V

2010-04-08T05:33:00.004-07:00

I prayed and cried and read my way through the next week. I have never cried so hard, and for so long in my life. I can't ever recall sobbing in front of my parents up until this point. I didn't care what anyone thought, I just wanted to let all of the sadness out. By the end of the week, my burning eyes didn't have any more tears to cry. I had written down my thoughts and prepared myself to tell Heath the decision I had made. I called him on Saturday on my way to work and asked if we could talk that afternoon. We set a time and place to meet. When we got there, we found a place to sit on a picnic blanket.

Before I could say anything of what I was prepared to say, Heath told me that his week had been filled with talking to and listening to the Lord. He said that it had been hard being apart and not hearing from me. He also said that the Lord had told him that he needed to give me up to Him. He said that if I needed to postpone the wedding, or even call it off, that he had to be OK with that and give it to the Lord. I couldn't believe my ears. I had been expecting to hear that I was needed desperately and that he couldn't live without me. Carefully and reluctantly I began to share my feelings with Heath. It was so hard, and the only way I got through it was the Lord carrying me in His arms. I told Heath that I couldn't get married. It was so painful. I didn't want to cause him any pain, but I knew that if I didn't say no now, it would be too late later. I couldn't go into a marriage unhappy and fearful. That wasn't how it was supposed to be.

I drove home through tears that evening. I didn't really know what I felt. It wasn't a feeling I had ever had before. It was a mixed collection of emotions. I felt empty yet like a hole had been filled, resigned yet strong, sad but not devastated, and somehow hopeful. That night, I feel asleep void of tears. I didn't cry any more after that day. Not for a while at least. I got in the car with my mom a few days later and embarked on a road trip that was the beginning of a journey to find my heart and my true love. It was the start of hearing God speak to me as I had never heard Him speak before and feeling His love like I had never been loved before.

my story - yes, God yells - part VI

2010-04-08T05:16:00.002-07:00

We got engaged the day after Thanksgiving. It was an evening hike to a beautiful spot in the mountains. We had actually started hiking back when he proposed in the middle of the trail under a full moon. I was excited. My dream was finally going to come true! It wouldn't be too long before I would be married too, just like my younger sister. I was jealous of her being younger and achieving married status before me. It hadn't been my plan for it to work out that way. I told myself I felt happy, but I wasn't content. I felt like a big rock had been laid on my back. We started making frantic wedding plans. We ordered invitations and I picked out my colors. I had already found a dress. We set the date for 2/20/2010. My parents had been pretty quiet about the whole thing. They didn't say much to me about our relationship anymore. I tried to seem joyful and make it look like I was the happiest I had ever been. I wanted that glow that people get when they are so in love they could almost fly. I didn't feel like I could fly at all. I felt like I was drowning. Deep down I knew that something wasn't right, but I still didn't want to listen to what the Lord was saying. I knew He was trying to speak to me through the people around me and even in my own heart. The more I ignored Him, the quieter He became. I didn't want to mess up my dream. Or my typographically beautiful wedding date.

Some close family friends came to visit at Christmas and stayed with us for three days. Every day, Heath would come up and hang out all day with all of us. We'd all play the Wii and eat and talk. I had to work some while they were there, but whenever I was home, Heath was there too. I wanted him to be there, but I couldn't help but feel like he was being overprotective. I didn't feel like I could joke around with the guys who were visiting or he'd be jealous. I also felt like I'd have to give an account for every conversation I had.I made myself play with the younger kids to take my mind off of how awkward everything was. I felt trapped. I felt like I was being overseen all of the time. Monitored. I tried to act like a loving fiancee and dote on him and show him affection like I was supposed to. I thought I was doing alright, and know I know that everyone saw right through it. The weight on my shoulders had gotten heavier. I was so scared, but I didn't want to make anyone unhappy. Then, the Lord moved a mountain range and did some yelling.

The morning our friends were going to leave, their mom asked if she could talk to me before I left for work that morning. I said yes. I knew what she was going to say before we even sat down to talk. I knew that I needed her to say it. I was dreading it and longing to hear it simultaneously. She said she hadn't been able to sleep the night before and said that the Lord had really pressed on her heart to share some things with me. She sat down next to me and said everything that I was feeling (unbeknownst to her), and it was as if I had been given permission to acknowledge my fears and feelings and to consider what I really wanted. After she had shared her thoughts and experiences through tears, she left my room. I knew at the moment she began talking that I couldn't get married. I knew that it wasn't right and that I wasn't ready to be married. I had known, but I did not want to give up my plans for making me and everyone else "happy". Her sharing her heart had been exactly what I needed to hear. I knew that I couldn't make anyone happy no matter what I did or how hard I tried. I couldn't make this work. I found her, tearful, on the back porch. I told her that I couldn't get married. She seemed shocked that I had come to talk to her again, and that I was telling her that I didn't want to get married. I told my parents how I felt before I left for work. I just knew that it wasn't right for us to get married, and I didn't want to risk keeping the best of what God had for Heath or for me from either of us.

my story - jealousy and my own plans - part III

2010-04-08T05:01:00.003-07:00

This new guy didn't try to hit on me. He was a good looking guy and was nice. We started talking. Soon, he was coming to a small group at our house on Sundays and participating in the study we were going through. He and Amy and I began going on Sunday hikes. Not too long after that, we found that we liked each other more than just friends hiking every Sunday. He asked Mom and Dad if we could begin a courtship. I know that sounds antiquated, and I don't particularly like the word either. The whole point is to get to know the other person's strengths and flaws in developing your friendship, but also protecting that person's heart at the same time. The relationship began wonderfully. Once again I felt beautiful and intriguing. But it was all a facade. Underneath it all, I was still trying to find my significance in the relationship I was in. I was still so insecure. It tuns out that we both were looking to each other for our significance and meaning.

After we had been together for just over a year, some big issues came up and I told Heath that I needed a break from the relationship. We didn't talk for over a month. Then we began to write letters to each other. I knew that something was different in Heath. There was also a difference in me too. The Lord had shown me things that I had been either ignorant of or had ignored before. Eventually we got back together and I thought that everything was going to be all right. I still had my "significant other" to make me feel significant. We did things together a lot more since Amy had moved away to work at a camp full-time and our outdoorsy friends had moved away too. Most of the time, it was just us hanging out. I went to work for part of the summer at the camp where my sister was working. She had just gotten engaged and I was feeling very jealous. I didn't want to admit that it was jealousy, but it was. She had been in a relationship for a short time compared to mine and was already getting engaged. She had the seal of approval from our parents and everyone was excited for her. I silently wished it were me. I had never expected her to get married before me. I tried to be happy with my relationship, but I wasn't.

I got back from camp and Heath and I got a lot more serious in our relationship. I began thinking of how we should be meant to be together even though there were things that weren't right. I tried to push aside things that bothered me about us. I tried to forget about things that worried me and that could (and probably would) cause problems if we got married. We started talking about getting married. My parents had told me some things before that they had noticed that were concerns to them, but I didn't want to listen. If I did, I would have to admit that something wasn't working. I'd have to admit that something was wrong. It would throw my plans off. I didn't want to loose control of this relationship like I had the last one. I definitely didn't want that. I convinced myself that I wanted to be married to Heath and that any dreams that I had previously had for my life before that, were not dreams that I had now. I spent so much energy trying to make everyone happy. I was giving up so much that I was passionate about. I have never felt so drained in my life. I didn't even have the energy to have fun anymore. I still felt strangely empty and alone. But, this was what I "wanted" and if I just got engaged and then got married everyone would be happy for us. I would be happy... I thought.

my story - high school years - part II

2010-04-08T04:30:00.004-07:00

Then, I met James. He was a nice guy who was a cowboy type. He tutored me in math that first fall and then asked my parents if we could go out. We began a relationship that would last a year and a half. I had never had someone be so interested in me before. I loved it! Someone payed attention to the things that made me feel special and sought to be around me. Still, I was so naive and trusting. I looked to James for my significance and to tell me who I was. I was beautiful and interesting when I was with him. I felt stronger when I was with him. I liked being accepted by more people at school and treated like a cool person. The girls didn't frown on me so much. He and I were a couple and we recognized as such. What I didn't see was how false it all was. The people who liked me were his friends, not mine. They treated me well while we were dating. I never really knew any of them in depth. Our relationship was never one that was set to succeed. I didn't realize how manipulative he was and how dependent I was on him for affection and meaning until after our relationship ended. We broke up shortly after he graduated. It was a very painful breakup and I never really had closure to the relationship with the particular way that it ended. The "friends" that had come with the relationship were gone and loneliness overtook my "self-guided" heart again.

Fast forward through leaving the college prep school and finishing high-school at a local community college. I still had Amy as my constant, unwavering friend and companion. She and I grew closer as we got older. I still didn't have any consistent friends besides her. I met some people at the school I was going to, but they didn't ever develop into friendships. The same was true at church. I had outgrown the youth group and just floated through an awkward stage of not fitting into any one particular place there.

Eventually, a college/career group started at our church and I made some friends there. I had fun. I got to know the people there a bit and we met on Fridays to hang out and play games and eat dinner. I was the life of the party. Being a social butterfly with my peers was something I had never been before. People were excited to see me. I cracked jokes and they laughed. I was silly and they got a kick out of it. The last time I had been in a group of friends like that was as a kid before we had moved. From the time I began coming to the college/career group and going to the college, I had had guys hitting on me. At school, it was mostly weird/mental/odd types of guys. I even had some guys at the church group hitting on me. I liked the attention, but I had no idea how dangerous it was. So I flirted. One Friday at a Halloween party, a new guy showed up with one of the guys who I had been trying to avoid. That's the night I met Heath.

my story - the beginning - part I

2010-04-08T04:18:00.004-07:00

Sometimes I feel aimless. A wandering soul that can't settle down to land on one place for long, or sometimes can't even decide where to land at all. My only redemption and strength has been Jesus. The Holy Spirit is my ultimate comfort now. I am not saying that I don't feel lonely anymore or that I don't have fears, but I can rest in Him now.

My journey has been a strange path of loneliness in the midst of people. As a child I quietly struggled with anxiety and quietly dealt with it. I am not sure why or how it was onset. I moved with my family to Arizona when I was 12. My sister and I were the best and only friends we had for a while after moving here. Soon though, we began to have classes with other kids our age through co-ops and did things like go ice skating and have pool parties. We found a church family to be a part of and have remained part of that family for about nine years now. I remember being the new kid. I wore cowboy boots and jeans and my hat until I began to realize that the kids around me saw it as a bit odd. I was around "city kids" now. No more wrangling things around outside and getting a little dirty now and then. These kids were always dressed in style with clothes with well-known labels and they had cute haircuts. This was especially true in my youth group. Most of them went to the same Christian school and had common friends. There were lots of inside jokes that I didn't understand and there was gossip about teachers who I didn't know. I would literally stand on the outside of their circle and listen and wish that I could be a part of the conversation. Sometimes I'd get that stiff feeling of anxiety and fear in the middle of my stomach. I was desperate for community with someone. There was one time in particular where I tried to "break into" this circle of people and when I did, I said something that made no sense at all. Now I don't kid around when I say it made no sense. I really said something as dumb/weird/odd as "the chickens flew through a castle". They all looked at me in silence. And then I left.

It was a major moment in my life. I have had recurring dreams of this same scene played over and over again. I was so ashamed. I felt so inadequate and so out of place. I felt like I was not good enough to know how to communicate and survive in a place with peers my own age who were part of the normal, average, school kids crowd. There were things that were so common to them that I had never heard of. They talked about songs they liked, movies they had seen, and stuff on YouTube. It was all just stupid stuff that you yak about with your friends. On one hand, I didn't want to be like everyone else. I knew that some things that they watched or did were below the standards I had set for myself. On the other hand, I felt like they looked at me like I was from a different species. I guess I was in a sense. I wanted to be a part of a group and I wanted to belong. But, I began to believe the lie that I was an outsider and always would be.

A few years later, my parents and I decided that I should try a college prep school close to where we live. I had been home-schooled up until this point in my life. I was just shy of 16. My "first day of school" was as a Sophomore. I spent a year and a half exceeding at my studies and going with the social flow. I wasn't a social butterfly with my peers at all. I got along better with my teachers. I enjoyed talking to them and hearing what they had to say. Because I respected them and payed attention, I got called a kiss-ass on more than one occasion. I was so naive and so ignorant of the dog-eat-dog, catty mess of school cliques and politics. I was so trusting and just wanted to be approved of. I thought that if I did my best, I would be. I'd soon painfully find that that wasn't true.

sleep deprivation

2010-04-05T22:13:00.004-07:00

My body must know I am about to change 8-10 times zones forward. I haven't been getting tired/sleepy until early in the morning. My average bedtime since I got back from Texas has been about 1:30 in the morning. I figure I'll just keep letting my body stay awake later and later and try to get up later and later in the day so that I have already started compensating for the time change when I arrive. They say that you can't force your body to adjust, but I think you can start to preset a pattern. This trip, Mom has acquired some Lunesta to help us get sleep on the way there and back. I am going to try not to use it on the way there, but I will use it on the way back. My plan is to stay up to increasingly later times, and wake up at later times. In theory, I should be going to sleep at about 6am my time, and waking up at about 2pm my time. I know it sounds crazy.

This morning I had to take my Mini to the doctor. The news wasn't so good. I have the "Cold Start Death Rattle". I had to be there at 8am, so I got up at 7. I went to bed last night around 2am, so 7am felt a bit fuzzy. I killed time at Target and then went to REI to exchange my Vibram FiveFingers for the next size up. They are awesome shoes. Anyway, I finally got my little car back this afternoon and have been feeling the effects of five hours sleep this evening. I just finished quite a large cup of coffee hoping that it would give me the boost I need to stay awake until 1:30 or so. Call me crazy, but I feel like I can't turn back now that I've already started readjusting. I just think it might really whack my sleep order out.

Well, I guess it's now time to edit my P365 photo for the day. Check it out on flickr.com...

http://www.flickr.com/photos/foto_artefice/

photographers' woes: introduction

2010-04-02T01:16:00.001-07:00

yellow glass bubbles at the Phoenix Art Museum - Leica M8 1/8sec @ f2.8 - shot with yellow filter

Oh the woes of the photographer. There are many.

I was talking to a photographer friend tonight and of course we talked about, photography. Our conversation turned to the subject of focusing, and then on to asking someone to take our picture (with our camera) who is a non-photographer. The "Shutter Disappearance Phenomenon" is a common bewilderment. For some reason when you look, smell, act, walk, have a camera like a photographer, people treat your camera as if it came from another planet. The shutter button always disappears, which in turn causes us to have to explain to the person how to take the photograph. That in turn leads to a picture of us with our mouth open at a disagreeable shape, arms bent at odd angles, and brow at an odd pitch because we are giving a photography lecture... on the shutter button. I digress.

Another woe of the photographer is the usually "Unflattering Snapshots" the family takes of us in action. While photographers are out and about, whether working intentionally or seizing the moment, we spring into action to get the shot we want. I recently had such an experience. Some of the hunters of the family killed a wildcat and brought it home. Being excited and wanting a picture of the beautiful animal, I grabbed my fleece-lined boots and a work coat and made fast time to the porch. As I was seizing the moment and not going out for a fashion show, my boots and coat were paired with a cotton t-shirt and reflective running shorts. Jolly. The resulting photograph made of me while photographing the wildcat is a very unflattering side angle. The altitude of my derriere higher than the rest of me, with day-glo white legs coming out from under a large brown coat down into fluff-topped calf-high boots. Quite a sight. Not one for the Facebook profile page I should say...

We also have what I call "Unplugged Moments". There are so many cords to deal with when you get a lot of equipment going on. This is especially a problem when 1) you only have two USB ports 2) you use a keyboard with your laptop and 3) all of your cables are black. Such confusion can arise when you try to type thinking that your keyboard is plugged in, only to find that it was actually your graphics tablet. Or, you can't figure out why your card isn't reading, and then discover that you had the keyboard plugged in for once. So many wasted minutes banging away at the keyboard trying to think of what is wrong with the computer for the keys to not work. Good golly.

Another technical woe that we photographers run into are the "Murderous Lag Times" that we endure while working on long exposures at night or in low light. After making a long exposure (I had some recently at 184 seconds long/3 minutes), the camera takes the same amount of time to write the image onto our handy dandy little storage cards. Now for some of us who knew the age of film where you took the photo, cranked the film forward, and kept on shooting did not experience this lag in between shots. Digital era photographers have resorted to checking their emails on cell phones, reading novels, and even taking naps while waiting for their images to write.

A review of this weeks woes:

-Shutter Disappearance Phenomenon aka. SDP

-Unflattering Snapshots

-Unplugged Moments

-Murderous Lag Times

So far, this covers our introduction to the Photographers' Woes. Please join us again next time for more woes and things that make us want to "chuck a wobbly" (or throw a fit).

new project for a new time

2010-03-29T23:53:00.000-07:00

I took this photo the day I got home. We went and at Tonto Bar and Grill. Tasty.

I am beginning a new endeavor starting on April 1st, 2010. Project365 has been taken on my thousands of "flickrites" and involves taking a posting a photograph a day specifically for the project. I am beginning my journey into Project365 as a way to hopefully expand my photographic vision, let loose and break some photographic rules, and learn to be a better photographer through experience. I am very excited about it. I know there will be time when I will want to quit or not want to post anything, but I also know that perseverance is key. It will worth my time and the effort I put into it. You can keep up with it through my flickr.com photostream @ flickr.com.

I am also going to be posting photos from Australia here daily so check back often. You should see photos from AUS as soon as April 10-11. There is a bit of a time difference so I am not too sure of the date.

I know I rebelled when I took my face off of Facebook, but now ladies and gentlemen, you may find me on Twitter. I am doing some personal research on stats to my flickr page and decided to use Twitter to help me notify potential viewers of what is going on. Not to mention I do miss being in the social loop a bit. I guess you could say I am still my same old unconventional self. Which I like.

Ciao for now. If you need any inspiration photography-wise, check out photojojo.com. Great stuff. They also have some wonderful tips on Project365 as well.

The 140mph Dr. Pepper Experience

2010-03-08T21:02:00.000-07:00

It sounded like a shotgun had gone off in the van. All I could hear was Mrs. Guillory's panicked screams. In the darkness the air had a sickly sweet smell and my face was damp. No one knew what had happened.

Bennett leaned forward from behind the front seat and grabbed the wheel, telling her not to drive off into the ditch. I didn't feel any pain and quickly turned on the overhead light to assess what had happened and to see if Mrs. G was hurt. I glanced at the windshield and saw a softball sized hole that crackled its way in a web-like fashion over most of it. My first thought was that a rock had caused the hole. Bennett helped get the car pulled over and he and I immediately began to look Mrs. G. over.

We didn't see any blood at first, but then noticed a couple of tiny little lacerations on her face and neck. Thank goodness they were no worse than a paper cut. I asked her if she could feel anything hurting and didn't see signs of anything serious. She had been on the phone with Emma had hung up before she could explain what had happened. Bennett called her back and told her that mom was OK, and that we needed to talk to their dad.

We checked and made sure that the other three kids in the back were alright. As I looked around, I noticed that the dashboard was wet with a dark liquid. It smelled like Dr. Pepper in the car. There were random ice cubes all over the place. There was one in Bennett's hat that had been laying on the floor. There was one in my chair. There was another in Bennett's seat. We were covered in glass shards, thousands of tiny glass shards. Glass was stuck to our faces and clothes and hair.

Right after the windshield had been broken, Mrs. G. had asked what had come in through the windshield. Bennett and I had looked around and found the ice cube and some styrofoam, and the three kids in the back had found more of the styrofoam. It smelled like Dr. Pepper in the car, which none of us had been drinking while in the car. There was glass, foam and Dr. Pepper from the front of the car all the way to the back window. We were in a 15 passenger van.

Bennett got off the phone with their dad and called 911. They finally dispatched police officers to the scene as well as an ambulance. Mrs. G. had thought that she had glass in her eye, so we wanted them to look at her and make sure she was alright. By the time the officers were arriving, we had found a bunch more of the little pieces of styrofoam and also discovered the bottom of the same cup. It was about a 44 ounce fountain drink.

The EMT's looked Mrs. G. over and told us that there wasn't anything they could to for us about the glass. The best thing for us to do they said was to go to a hotel and take a shower to get it off. The policemen looked at the hole in the windshield and said that it was the worst they had seen anything make in their experience. We told them about the styrofoam and the ice cubes and the liquid.

We had not been really paying attention to the traffic that was passing that night since it was around 9:30 on a Sunday and you don't much mind passing traffic on a highway anyway. Mrs. G. was talking to Emma and I had just turned off my iPod and was about to take off my glasses. When the cup came through the window, I dropped my iPod into my purse and somewhere in the mix my glasses ended up down on the floor beside it as well. The Lord used my glasses to protect my eyes from getting glass in them.

The policemen who had come to the scene allowed Bennett to drive the van to the Holiday Inn Express a half mile back in Hearn, while Mrs. G. rode shotgun. Gramm and Mattie rode in a police car and Gardner and I rode in one as well and followed them until we got there safely. Gardner had been shaky and unusually quiet and said that he had felt scared. I reassured him that everyone was OK and that the policemen were taking care of us and that Bennett was taking care of Mama G. and that everything was going to be alright.

It took Mrs. G. and I a couple of hours to get all of the glass off of ourselves and everyone else. We had everyone take any clothes with glass on them and put them in a trash bag. Mrs. G. and I took showers and she gave Gardner a shower since he was sticky and had some glass on him too. We waited for Mr. G. to get there with a car we could drive back home.

After getting everyone cleaned up, I emptied out my purse and found a ton of glass in the bottom. I had a couple of little cuts on my arm from when the glass had come in. I also had glass in my shoes, which I am still getting out. I hated being sticky the most. I really dislike being sticky.

Our conclusion is that someone coming from the next town north of Hearn had thought it would be funny to throw a full fountain drink on someone's windshield and make it sticky and gross. I am sure that the assumption was that the cup would break and that the drink would go everywhere. The people inside the victim's car would be scared, but not hurt. Part of the reason we reached this conclusion is that if someone was going to litter, they would have more likely thrown the cup out the passenger window and it would not have been so full. The ice cubes we found in the car had also not had time to melt down too much since they were still square. The bottom of the cup had hit the windshield first and I doubt if people who are just littering are in the habit of throwing a cup forward out of their car right when another car is passing. The speed limit was 70 miles per hour on this highway so with the other car going 70 and we were as well, the fountain drink came hurtling in at about 140 miles per hour. I am sure that the people who had thrown it must have meant it to be a harmless, annoying prank and never thought twice about what might really happen. It was an interesting lesson in real life on thinking twice about what you are about to do.

I thank the Lord for protecting us through the whole thing. I was so thankful that it was not an unopened aluminum can or a rock. It it had been a rock, I fear that someone would have been really badly hurt. The Lord God Almighty is Powerful and Faithful to protect us!

Pictures to follow shortly....

a couch paid me $17.08...

2010-02-28T00:21:00.000-07:00

Yes, I said a couch. While I have been here visiting my friends, I have wanted to do my part by cleaning something or helping out wherever I can. I helped clean out one of the girls' closets and cleaned the sink and the kitchen as well. Today I cleaned the den and aired it out. The weather was so nice. I had the windows open and enjoyed the nice breeze that floated through as I worked. The best day of cleaning so far was yesterday though.

I had been waiting for the girls to get finished eating breakfast and getting ready for the day when I decided to clean the living room/piano room really quickly. I started with the dusting and then vacuumed. I had vacuumed out a few chairs as well, one of them producing a handful of broken darts and some pencils. I then turned my attention to the couch. I figured that there were probably some missing pencils used for music lessons and just regular old day to day dirt.

I lifted up the first cushion and found some grass that I am sure had been shed by someone after playing outside. I also found a bead and an unidentifiable cap to something else. Under the second cushion I found a whole slew of loose change. No, there was not $17.08 in change under there, but there was $2.08. Mama G. had grabbed her camera by this time and wanted a picture of me beside this rather large find. I also found a sort of Chinese looking coin thing with a hole in it that had one been tied on a string for a necklace. E6 was in front of the couch nest to me and in jest I looked at her and said, "Let's see what's behind door number 3!"

I lifted up the last cushion and oh mylanta! There was a bona-fide ten dollar bill right smack in the middle. I shrieked with amusement. I had just been kidding when I said lets see what's under the next cushion, but I was pleasantly surprised to find that in this house the rules are finders-keepers. I did also find some pink and blue Life "people" which the girls joked were my future family. They said that the blue one with the raisin smashed around his head was my future husband with an afro. I also suppose I am going to have two boys and a girl as well according to my allotment of colored plastic people.

So I know that all you accountants out there are going, "Ok, now she has $12.08. Where is the rest of the money?" Well, E6's idea was to go check out the couch in the den and see if there was anything else hiding out. She said that she went in there and had felt something crunchy. I went in, lifted the first cushion I came to and found a five dollar bill! I felt like I had hit the jackpot!!! I got paid by two couches in one day. I ended up with a grand total of $17.08, four Life pieces, a fake Chinese coin, a plastic army man, and a piano homework pencil. Sah-weeeet!

Today, E6 had a friend over for her birthday. He got here while I was in the throes of cleaning the den and as I stopped to break for lunch, he asked me if the family was paying me. We chuckled as I told him, "No they weren't, but the couches had." :^)

i've been adopted

2010-02-27T11:33:00.001-07:00

I never would have thought that I could cook. I mean, I guess I always figured when I moved out I'd start to try recipes and find my own way through a kitchen. Well, I guess I got that chance to experiment sooner than I thought I would. In the past month and a half, I have made, for the first time on my own: pan seared Tilapia in a butter and wine sauce, herbed chicken, cheese sauce for broccoli, chicken alfredo, and a whole slew of other food. I didn't use a recipe and they turned out fine! I even learned how to cut an onion the right way and let me tell you, I don't hate cutting onions anymore. I've been staying with some good friends and helping out with cooking and cleaning and keeping the order. "Mama G." as I call her, is a great friend and even though she is my mom's age, I feel connected to her as if she was a friend my own age, but with the added wisdom of someone older than me. Their whole family jokes around that they are going to keep me here forever and never let me go back home. There are seven children in their family and each one has an abbreviation from the top of the siblings to the bottom. It begins with the first letter of their name and their number in order of birth. There is C1, C2, B3, G4, M5, E6, and G7. Just the other day, I was bestowed the honor of becoming A8.

My time here has been spent letting go of things about myself that I have needed to change. Actually, things that I have needed to allow to change. The Lord has been doing amazing and wonderful things in my life. He has increased my measure of self-control and added to that perseverance. I am SO excited! I have asked Him for so long to help me with self-control and it just seemed like He was taking so long to answer. But there is no other way to describe the ability to not fall apart emotionally all of the time other than to say that the Lord did it. And when things seem crappy and the sort of things that I would have wanted to back out of right away, it's easier for me to stick with it than it used to be. I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I am such a flawed person. I struggle with comparing myself and what I have to what others have. I do not always think kind thoughts or act kindly towards others. I am selfish. I don't give my Creator the kind of devotion that I should. But I know that He is working, even in my discontent, contentious, self-centered heart.

These verses sum it up:

1 Peter 1:5-9

But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, ⁶ to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, ⁷ to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love. ⁸ For if these things are yours and abound, you will be neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. ⁹ For he who lacks these things is shortsighted, even to blindness, and has forgotten that he was cleansed from his old sins.

It is so easy for me to forget to be dilligent in adding these things to my faith. It is easier to be lazy and not strive to be like Him, but it is so much better when I do! The past couple of months of my life the Lord has given me the grace to look upon experiences in my life than have been less than glamorous and not so fun, and to see how He uses those things for His glory. He is so incredibly Powerful. He is Faithful to love. And He is so worthy of praise.

best design inspiration site... period

2010-02-10T15:02:00.001-07:00

I just found the best design site ever. Period.

www.designbump.com

If you need inspiration for graphic design, photography, and a whole mess of other things you should go check it out. Even if you don't need inspiration, you should check it out. They have some awesome wallpapers (I found some sweet apple ones to put on my MacBook Pro), and I also found some sweet free fonts. It's pretty much just amazingly awesome any way you cut it. So go check it out. You'll like it. I promise.

Also check out http://www.smashingmagazine.com for more cool design ideas, fonts, and wallpapers.

Ok, go now! Go see for yourself. Now.

Illustrated, a first attempt

2010-02-03T13:29:00.002-07:00

I tried my hand (literally) at making a completely illustrated album cover. I have never had the talent to draw as well as my sister, but to heck with comparisons. That is something else the Lord has been helping me with; to not compare myself to other people. Especially the people closest to me. I'll have to write more later on all that He has been doing lately. Oh how He loves me so.....

more album art.... sweeeeeet

2010-01-28T15:57:00.001-07:00

Alrighy, here are the latest efforts on the album art front. These are a little more in depth graphically than the last six I did. It was definitely more of what I wanted to achieve when I said I was going to do some more complex covers.

rain and cows

2010-01-21T17:09:00.000-07:00

These were shots from a couple of places I visited with a friend. It was a nice day to go shooting. Although I am still having a hard time finding my photographic eye and really feeling the photographs I am making, I know that they are slowly coming back. I feel like so much exciting stuff is going to start happening, I just have to be courageous enough to go for it! I can do all things in His Strength. :^)

No More Facebook - Video

2010-01-21T15:56:00.000-07:00

These are my reasons and insights into why I took my face off of Facebook. After being cajoled into putting it up, it is finally here. Enjoy.

Album Cover Samples

2010-01-21T13:54:00.001-07:00

Last week I was visiting with some friends and talking through what avenues that I can use my artistic expression, and they suggested possibly getting into album artwork. I decided to create some sample album covers. This is what I came up with. I sat down and did all six in one shot and have plans to make six more with some more in-depth graphics. I just don't have internet where I am, so it's hard to find the resources I need to do some of that. I have just been relying on the actions, photos, and brushes that I have on my computer to generate these designs. Look for more to come and please give me your honest opinion on what you think about these.

Unstuck Shutter

2010-01-14T17:40:00.000-07:00

After having such a dry spell of creativity I needed to cure my mental drought. With the weather blowing in and the promise of rain and forcing myself to go outside and shoot, maybe the waters of creativity are not too far off in the forecast. These signs looked promising... I especially had some help from Rags the cat. Although cats never do what you want them to do when you ask, you just have to catch them off guard when they think you aren't looking.

Lost in the woods... not really

2010-01-13T17:20:00.002-07:00

p.s. I hate the way blogger is formatting my photos. When you finally get something that works, why is it that they always have to go and change it? I hate to use cliches but as they say, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

Frozen

2010-01-11T12:58:00.003-07:00

Photos that are engaging...

2009-12-28T09:58:00.000-07:00

We finally had some time on Christmas day to take some photos. I am glad that we took them in the early afternoon because I got so sick that evening. My Love took care of me while I was sick that night. He is so sweet and cared for me even when I was sicky. :^( But we got lots of good photos and some really cute ones to boot! I love the one where we are both throwing leaves up over our heads the best.

Time for air

2009-12-21T10:20:00.000-07:00

I have no idea when Heath and I are going to do engagement photos. Maybe Christmas. We need some nice photos that I can use in stuff. Of us. Together. I want some nice pictures of us maybe in some leaves or something. I want some photos to put up here of us so that ya'll have something to look at other than photos of my decor. By the way, the date is set for sure for February 20, 2010. We are so excited!!! Needless to say, I have been sleeping a little better these past few days. The invitations have been ordered, the photographer has been booked, and the cake supplies have been bought. My dress should be back from the cleaners this week (I am going to call today) and I should be getting in more of the decor elements this week as well. I also ordered my veil, YAY! I won't tell you about it here since Heath reads my blog too and I know he wants it to be a surprise. Maybe I should post the "secret stuff" on my other blog 'The "Other" Party Girl'. Hmmm. It's a thought. I also made the RSVP cards to go inside the invitations. By the way we will have a wedding website, but before I give ya'll the URL I wanted to try to finish our registries and add those nice pictures I was telling you about. We found a place to live and Heath just has to go in and sign the papers and pay the move-in fee and we will be able to move in February 1st. Not together obviously! I am going to work on packing this week as well. There is so much to do for a wedding. I had no idea. I am so excited about it though and am having fun with it. Heath and I just look at it as a big adventure. After all, our life together is going to be an adventure too!!! Look for those engagement photos soon!

Wedding Loveliness

2009-12-15T20:14:00.001-07:00

Alright, I am going to spill some beans. The wedding is a winter one, so I have decided to go with a fittingly wintry theme. I am loving light, icy blue and ivory as well as some silver and gold. I am going to post some inspiration photos so that you can get an idea of the elements that are going to be used in the decorations.

Heath and I love the outdoors and nature so I loved these snow and icy looking birch branches. Mmmm, yummy! These are going to be a big part of the decor since they are nice and tall (3-4 feet) and I can do lots with them. YAY!

I am also digging these vases, which I did happen to purchase. I love thinking of how I will be able to use the things from the wedding and reception in our home. You are starting to get a sense of the color palette now, right? I don't want to much of a blue since I don't want things to look corny. I want sophistication.

Well, that's all the hint you get for now. I am going crazy with wanting a nice set of white dishes. I can't wait to start cooking for my Honey Bee!

Engaged! Ashley's side of the story...

2009-12-02T21:45:00.003-07:00

I am engaged to Heath Higby! Here is my side of our engagement story...

It was normal, cool fall day after Thanksgiving. Heath asked if I wanted to go on a hike since he was off work and I had had a short day at the hospital. I was anxious to spend some time outside so of course I said yes. We agreed to go up to the Bronco Trailhead in the Tonto National Forest towards Seven Springs. On the way there, I convinced poor Heath that there was a cool canyon that we should try hiking only to find that it was choked with plants and was awful to hike in. It was a bad detour. After about 20 minutes of not going anywhere fast, we aborted the mission and headed back to the car and our original plan.

We got to Bronco Trailhead and started our hike in at about 2:30. We had loved hiking this trail before since it was nice, but not too pristine. It was just a plain and simple trail with lovely views and scenery. There are a couple of places where you can see the city way off to the south, some little desert meadows, and some valleys there that you would have never imaged being there. It is a beautiful hike.

The last time we hiked out here, we had come to a ridge that had been burned in the big fire a few years ago now and found an old burned up tree with a brach laying off to the side. We made ourselves a makeshift bench out of it and watched the sunset. We had returned here to enjoy another sunset and watch the cold front blow in.

Heath had his jet boil with him and made us some hot chocolate with the cute little marshmallows in it. I so appreciated it since it was starting to get coooler. It began to get darker and so I said that we should start hiking back soon since I didn't want dad to start worrying. He worrries more than mom. Heath looked a little disappointed, so I said that we could stay for a few more minutes but he considered me before himself and said that we really should go anyway.

On our way in and also on the way out, we had talked on and off about getting married. Heath had asked me about what I thought would be a cool way to be proposed to. I told him that I didn't really care ho he did it so long as it was a surprise. And I told him that he'd better have his camera! As it grew darker, the light of the moon grew brighter and added to the light that we shed on the trail with our headlamps.

As we got closer to the trailhead, we stopped to look at the city lights briefly and then continued on down the trail. All of a sudden, Heath stopped and pointed my attention to the sky. "Wow. Look at the moon," He said. I looked up and there was a giant ring around the moon. I didn't remember ever seeing anything like it before. I was amazed and stared at it for a couple of minutes before I looked back at Heath to see what he thought.

When I looked back to where he had been standing, I had to look down to find him. He had kneeled in the middle of the trail next to me and had a ring, glittering in the moonlight in his hand. I was so shocked. He asked me if I would marry him and through both tears of joy and laughter, I said yes. For the next twenty minutes I cried and then laughed and then cried and then laughed again. It had definitely been a surprise. And he remembered the camera. :^)

We took a picture of the two of us with the ring around us and the moon behind. Then we prayed together. We thanked God for bringing us together and for all that we have been blessed to learn and grow with each other in. We prayed for each other. We prayed for our kids and for our future. It was beautiful. It was the most beautiful moment in my life so far.

A blink and a smile

2009-11-09T21:42:00.000-07:00

Last night, Heath and I went to a prayer and worship night at church. It was amazing. One of the songs we sang was 'How He Loves', a song I hadn't heard really since I got back from camp. I must say that each time I have come back from being either a camper or staff at JH Ranch, there is one song that is like the theme song for my time there. This was the one from my time there on staff this summer.

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me.
Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.

Yeah, He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves.

So we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

That he loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves

I stood there beside Heath, among friends and our church family singing the words to the song that awaked my heart this summer. I was awakened to love, awaked to God, awakened to the hearts of others. Honestly, it hasn't been easy since camp. It is a battle every single day to always thank the Lord and be joyful and to talk to Him. I have never been a very confrontational person, and I usually keep my feelings to myself unless I am upset about something. But the Lord has been showing me that I don't have to be confrontational to be myself and to tell people how I feel. It has been a crazy journey, but a good one. My heart feels freer and freer every day that I trust in Him for my strength. And I am always failing. But the sweetest thing is falling down and knowing that He will still always pick me up in all my imperfection.

OK. So back to last night, there was a point in time where the worship leader, Ryan, asked everyone to break up into small groups of 3-5 and pray with and for each other. Heath and Nathan and Sarah and I had "adopted" each other since all of our families either weren't there or don't live here in town. So we broke away into a group all our own and each began to tell the others things on our hearts to pray for. The four of us have known each other for some time, not necessarily in the deepest sense, but we have spent a lot of time together. It was such a sweet time. We shared things that made us cry; things that have been on our hearts; things that we hope for and dream about. We prayed for each other. It was beautiful.

When everyone gathered back together again, we sang a few more songs and I don't know that I have experienced worship like that since I got back from camp. Heath was singing and I was singing and I felt so much joy right then and right there. We were one in heart, praising Jehovah Rophe. We didn't care what we sounded like, we just sang out hearts out and praised Him. Oh such a beautiful, wonderful night!

Afterwards, Sarah and I got to talking about books and the kids in our Sunday School classes and TV. I love Sarah. I don't know if I have met anyone sweeter than her who is so confident in herself and who she is in the Lord. I admire that so much about her. Heath and Nathan were talking too, but I was having too much fun visiting with Sarah to notice the subject of their conversation! Heath and I hadn't eaten anything before we went to the church since we weren't hungry, and by the time the thing ended, I still wasn't famished or anything. Sarah and I walked up to where he and Nathan were talking since they were kicking everyone out for the night and I asked him if he was hungry yet or not. His signature smirk glanced across his face and he blinked once. I knew that face. It was the 'are-you-really-asking-me-this-because-I-know-you-can-read-my-mind' kind of look. I never realized that it's just sort of a signature expression of his until last night. I said "No. Actually I don't even know why I asked that because I know that you are hungry." And we all just laughed.

A blink and a smile. That's all it took for me to know exactly what he was thinking. I love that. :^)

I Hate Music Lessons

2009-11-05T20:52:00.001-07:00

This little short was so cute! Mom and I watched "Bell, Book and Candle" with James Stewart in it and there was a trailer for "The Man from Laramie". There were credits of the characters and one of them was Baby Dumpling. Mom looked him up and we found this cute little clip from the 1941 film "Blondie Goes Latin." Larry Simms and Janet Burston sing "I Hate Music Lessons."I bet you'll have a hard time getting this little tune out of your head, just watch. :^)

New Layout

2009-11-05T16:47:00.000-07:00

OK. I went ont he hunt for a new blog template and this is what I came up with. I just thought that I needed to give my blog a little facelift. I want all of you who read this to enjoy looking at it and for it to be a neat place to come. I also don't mind that I don't mind looking at it now. I need some excercise. I'll be back.

Time for change

2009-11-05T09:38:00.001-07:00

I got fed up with sitting on my butt in front of my computer the other day. Just plain fed up. I decided that if I was ever going to make cool photographs that I wanted to make, I had to go out and actually make them. I grabbed my Leica. I also went digging in my old film stuff and grabbed a set of closeup filters. They were never super good on my old camera, but I figured that maybe the awesomeness of the Leica glass would make up for it a little bit. I went outside and felt a little blinded by the late afternoon sun. I started out really badly. My first ten pictures reminded me of the awful rolls of film I shot when I began photographing nine years ago. Bland. Uninteresting. Out of focus in uninteresting ways. Like I said, it was bad. But as I pushed on I really tried to think of how the camera was seeing my subject matter. I became more in tune with the relationship of my viewfinder to the lens and how that translated to the image. I began to see some images that I liked. Then I went and broke away from some habits that I have been addicted to like shooting things only in overcast/shady light. I am guilty of usually prefering to shoot things without dealing with harsh shadows. I must say, I think I am intimidated by shadows when shooting. I have no earthly idea why. Maybe it's just that they are such a strong visual element in a photograph and if you don't pay attention to them during composition, you can have some ghastly effects in the final product. I experienced this while doing some self portraits a while back. Sheer curtains have a strange tendency to look like prison bars when the sunlight shines through them onto a wall. Oops. So I jumped out of my own comfy photogging boundaries into the new and bold.

I shot with the light behind my subject
I took pictures with random bits of sky in them
I forgot to focus
I used my shutter speed dial - something I haven't done in about 7 years
And I liked the results

I was happy with the outcome of my latest shoot. It felt like the beginning of my photographic career, when all I had was an old Minolta with some closeup filters. The only thing different was that this time, I didn't have to cock the shutter and wind the film. :^)

faceless

2009-11-01T08:39:00.000-07:00

My face is officially off Facebook! If you need to find me, I'll be right here on my blog. :^)

Inspired - garment series

2009-10-22T17:24:00.004-07:00

Ok, after living away from home with a bunch of girls this summer, I decided that it was time for a wardrobe makeover. (p.s. I am still working on the shoe department though) I put together this little outfit Wednesday afternoon after a busy week at work with the relieving thought that I didn't have to get up early this morning (I slept until 8!). With the event on me romoving my face from Facebook on November 1st, I was a little sad and was missing all of the girls that I had been privileged to live with. A while back I had put up a little blurb on Facebook saying that my wardrobe was going through a serious makeover thanks to these girls and I figured that I should finally show some proof. So Ashley, this one is for you.

This outfit is:
Fun yet understated. It has a relaxed and casual sort of feel and I love it because I love to feel like I look nice and still be casual.

Talking to my Heavenly Daddy

2009-09-30T23:04:00.005-07:00

I realized something after talking to Heath. How hard it really must be for parents to let their children go. To let them grow up and go to college, to work somewhere, and to get married. So often I find myself reminiscing about my childhood. I remember so many things. He and I were talking and he mentioned how the first five or six years of our lives we don't worry about anything or think deeply about any kinds of problems. We have no cares because we know that our parents are there. We know that they keep us safe and provide for all of our needs. We are free to play and shovel water around the yard and to swirl around in our kiddie pool. How short a time it seems to have been since I was that way. I can remember every detail as if I was there just a moment ago. I can smell the slightly mildewy odor of the kiddie pool when Mom first took it out of the garage. I can feel the squish of wet St. Augustine grass under my bare feet and feel the soft warmness of the new Summer sun on my skin. If these things seemed to fly by for me, they must have seemed like mere seconds to my parents.

Now I did have another thought. Today as I was sitting here at home trying to get rid of this cold I picked up, I decided "to heck with picking up my room and making sure everything is tidy. I have been needed to take some time just to do something for myself." To do something that I love. I decided to create a piece of artwork. I relinquished all of the pressures of making it look good for anyone in particular. I quieted my inner critic and dove in. Somehow my thoughts turned to my current state of happiness. To be honest, I have felt quite cynical of myself lately. I began to think of when I was a child and how my feelings about my everyday life were different then. How I was joyful and played and danced and had innumerable ideas of things I could create. Where did that joy and love of life go? I wondered. I wanted it back.

That brings me back to the beginning of my story. As a child I depended on my parents and did not have to worry for anything. I was joyful and happy. As a grown person now, what keeps me from resting in my Heavenly Father in the same way? He has so much more power and ability to keep me fed and safe and content than the entire planet of parents combined! So where did I get to be an unhappy, cynical, griping adult with a too often negative outlook on life? Did I realize what was happening here?! I had bought a lie! The enemy has been doing his best to drag me down and make me believe that I am just an ordinary adult with an ordinary life that has responsibilities and could never possibly have the faith of a child. I have things much more important to hold onto like my job, my comforts, and even my family. I can grip everything so tightly that I choke God right out of it. Too often I don't let Him hold me, and I don't hold on to Him in return.

I am drawn inward again to think of my childhood. Back to the backyard in the floppy, vinyl kiddie pool my sister and I swam in. Back to the wet grass between my bare little feet. Back to the warm, summer sun on my skin and I remember something. I was at peace like only a child could be. I wasn't jaded by the "stuff" that happens in life yet. There were no bad experiences save fighting over a toy every now and then. I just waited to hear my Mom's voice calling me in for grilled cheese sandwiches or homemade pop-sickles and I trusted her with my whole heart. Just the way our heavenly Daddy wants us to trust Him. What a freeing thought!

I am reminded to let the Love of the Lord pour out in my life and to be who the Father created me to be. He made me creative, funny, thoughtful and inventive. So why keep all that inside? I need to be who the Lord created me to be to give Him the glory!

Dress Hunting Warrior Princess

2009-09-01T16:53:00.003-07:00

Ever since getting back from camp, I have been on the hunt for a dress fit for a maid of honor to wear to her sister's wedding. (Yes, my dream has come true. I am finally getting to be something other than a flower girl at a wedding.) Now, you may think that it wouldn't be that hard to find a nice formal dress that fits right and looks nice. Not so fast. This is no ordinary wedding! My sister Amy and her beloved fiancee Jeremiah set their precious hearts on a Celtic wedding. I was so excited! We found a really cool pattern for Amy's dress and mom had a seamstress make the dress from a fine linen and some really beautiful lace. I can't wait to have pictures to put up. After Amy left, I remembered that I too needed something to wear and set about looking at resale shops, on eBay, and at the mall for something that would work. I found a couple of candidates, but they were too drab and too short for the occasion. After some more digging on the internet, I ran across Pearson's Renaissance Shoppe. And let me tell you, as soon as I saw the Forest Princess dress, I knew that I had found my outfit! So I bagged that beast and soon it'll be hanging up in my closet. Thank goodness there isn't a taxidermy fee for dresses.... :^)

-No, the photo is not of me, but I was too excited to wait to put my own pictures up!-

Summer of Love - Part I

2009-08-26T08:40:00.005-07:00

"Arise, SHINE, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord rises upon you." Isaiah 60:1

Hmmm. Where do I begin? I must say even before I being to tell the story of my summer, that the Lord is good. His mercies are new every day and His righteousness shines like the sun. He is Jehovah-Tsidkenu, the Lord our Righteousness. As I have learned to be faithful and wait on the Lord, He has been faithful to show up. Part of being in a right relationship with God is believing and trusting in Him and although I am a fallible human being, the Holy Spirit has the power to produce true righteousness in my life as a believer. I have encountered the love of God in such amazing ways this summer and am so excited to share it with you! I cannot help but want to write down everything that He has done and tell everyone about it.

I guess I should start by telling you about my feelings going into the summer. I was alone. And scared. And hungry. I knew that God was up there somewhere and that He said He loves me, but I wanted to feel it. I wanted to feel His love in my life. I wanted to have a personal experience and I was begging God for that. I saw a lot of the other summer staff at JH Ranch that had had encounters with God, and I could see it in them and on their faces and hear it in their voices. I have to admit that I was jealous and even angry about it sometimes. I didn't understand why God wouldn't just do something and show up.

That all began to change one night in the Big Top a few weeks into my time there. I sat in the back of the tent after listening to the dating talk and just broke down. I asked God to tell me that He loves me. I opened my Bible and the Lord immediately showed me Psalm 63. The verse (3) that says "because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you" just really got to me. I sat there reading it over and over again. My heavenly Father spoke so clearly to my heart that I could not deny His voice. He also told me that it was OK to be hungry and thirsty and to need help from Him, and He promised me that He would show up.

"O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my sould thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. On my bed I remember you; I think of you in the watches of the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me. They who seek to destroy my life will be destroyed; they will go down to the depths of the earth. They will be given over to the sword and become food for jackals. But the king will rejoice in God; all who swear by God's name will praise him, while the mouths of liars will be silenced."
-Psalm 63

I realized that the love toward other people that Bruce had talked about was impossible without the Love of God. I came to the realization that I couldn't love others if I didn't let God love me. Oh, but it gets better! As I walked back to my girls staff house that night, I was so overcome by emotion. I had only sobbed like this maybe once or twice in my life! Truth be told, I was actually quite glad that I was alone on that walk home. There is a wooden one-lane bridge that I had to cross to get home and it marks the end of the long driveway into the ranch. As I crossed over it, still sobbing, something made me look up at the night sky between the trees. I saw millions of glittering stars. I looked back down and walked a little ways. Again something made me look up at the stars and I saw the majestic ribbon of the Milky Way clearer than I had ever seen it before and I laughed a little. As I kept walking and looking, the Father of all creation in His infinite love spoke to my heart and told me that He loved me. He wrote me a love note in the stars and said, "See all of these stars? They may seem small and insignificant, but I want you to know that I love you. And even though I may not have spoken to you through visions and angels like some, I am going to reveal my love to you ways that are special for just you and me."

Now, at this point I had reached the beginning of the driveway and was laughing and crying at the same time. I had heard Him! He was personal and gentle, yet His love was so powerful and strong. Eventually I went inside my house and began to read again and He showed me Psalm 45:11.
"The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord." -Psalm 45:11

He was promising to show me His love in little ways that I would not expect, and even in big ways that would blow my expectations away.

-Look for Part II coming soon!-

Matilda's Vintage Closet

2009-06-29T13:19:00.006-07:00

Ladies, this is the neatest place ever to go find the best vintage clothing and accessories! I heard about Matilda's from Andie Miller, a girl who I met at the Element. http://www.theelementsite.com/ We decided to go down there on a Saturday. Matilda's is out in Old Glendale in the main street part of town. We tried on a bunch of hats including some vintage swim caps and all kinds of things from cloches to wide brimmed beauties. The way Matilda's new store is laid out, she has almost all of the hats on one wall in the front of the store. I thought I had died and gone to heaven when I saw all of them. You see I am not much of a shoe girl, but put me in with some hats and I'm gone. All of the clothing in the store is arranged according to decade. She has a whole mess of vintage wedding stuff and also a men's section too. After Andie and I got tired of trying on hats, we tried on some clothes. Andie found a great mint green dress with little white polka-dots on it. It fit her perfectly! I tried on a vintage 40's Teena Paige dress and some other things. I also tried on a really amazing black velvet and fur Victor Costa. I just fell in love with it! So without drooling on and on about all of the wonderful stuff at Matilada's, I'll just show it to you!

Mmmmm. Yummy.

2009-06-29T13:09:00.002-07:00

I officially know of the BEST deli in Scottsdale! It's called Chloe's Corner in Scottsdale Kierland. They have all kinds of stuff form sandwiches to salads and other deli delights. My friend Heath had gone in there to grab something before he came up to my house the other day. He talked to the owners and asked them what they would recommend. They told him to get the smoked turkey and the roast beef. No joke, these were the most awesome sandies I have ever eaten. We split them and each ate half. The turkey sandwich had cranberry sauce and just the right amount of turkey and bread (which also had cranberries in it) and whatever else they put on it. It was devine! Then we dove into the roast beef sandwich. By this time we had gotten into the little paper bags of pickles that they had thrown in. Once again, AMAZING. I'm not usually so keen on roast beef sandwiches, but this one had pickles, tomatoes, provologne cheese, some kind of dressing (but not too much) and lettuce and oh man, was it good. It was on the best bread ever. I am not sure what kind of bread it was, but I am seriously thinking about going in there and asking them. It looked kind of like a square ciabatta bread, but it tasted waaaaay better and was soft and just moist. It was foodie heaven. Now the best part about this joint is that they sell real cokes from Mexico. Yes, we are talking about the ones with sugar and not high-fructose corn syrup. If you haven't been into Chloe's Corner, you should go. It's a little higher on the price side for some since the sandwiches are around 6-7 dollars, but if you appreciate really good food, then it's worth it. So go check out Chloe's!

Finally! Hike Pictures...

2009-05-06T19:52:00.023-07:00

I finally had some time to do some editing the other day and started in on the Canyon Lake hike that Heath and I did last weekend. It was one of our favorite hikes so far, with a beautiful canyon stream at the end. We hiked about 9 miles total (me in my Chacos), and loved every mile of it. The photos are in order...

This is my favorite photo from the trip (below)

Chuhuly Exhibit - Part III

2009-04-29T21:37:00.018-07:00

This is the third installation of Chuhuly photos from the Botanical Gardens. I told Mom and Dad how many photos I had taken (over 700), and that it was taking some considerable time to sort through them all. So here are more of the glass installations...

Chihuly Exhibit - Part II - Plants

2009-04-29T07:32:00.023-07:00

I decided to break up the next installation to show you the plants that I photographed. I had such a good time wandering through all of the blooming flowers. I was thinking mostly about the glass exhibit when I bought my tickets, but when I got there, I realized I had come at the perfect time for the spring flowers as well. I also got to spend an extra hour there that I didn't think I had at first, but I had some parts of the garden to myself for the most part after about 8:30pm. So without further adieu, here are the plants....

Shot with M8 (below)
Shot with M8 (below)

Tea Party Planning

2009-04-28T17:09:00.002-07:00

I finally decided on the food for my Royal Summer Tea on May 2. I am going to make three different tea sandwiches: cucumber, egg salad, and a sophisticated ham and gouda with apple. I think I am going to make a savory Tourte Milanese. Then some buttermilk scones and Hungarian shortbread. I have three teas as well to go with the yummy things to eat; Twinings of London - Ceylon Orange Pekoe (a cheaper tea that has a medium body and is a nice black tea), and two from Harrisons and Crosfield: exotic China White Orange and Mango and fragrant Japanese Cherry Sencha. Both are whole leaf teas, but the latter is a green tea. They are more expensive than the Pekoe, and are very light teas. I love them because they are so smooth and airy. Today, since I got off work early, I went to Sur La Table and bought a digital thermometer (I have been wanting one), a citrus zester/garnisher/scorer, some biscuit cutters and some mini cupcake liners, and a cookbook called Baking with Julia. The cookbook is based on the PBS series hosted by Julia Child. I sure wish I could have met her before she died. Anyway, I am going to go edit more of the Chuhuly photos now so I can post them later....

Chuhuly Exhibit - Part I

2009-04-27T22:34:00.009-07:00

These are some of the photos I took on Sunday at the Desert Botanical Gardens. I took over 700 images, so needless to say, I am having to take my time and find my favorites. So far, the first image is my favorite. I took it with the Leica, and I did NO POST PROCESSING on it at all besides using photomerge in CS4 to stitch them together. There will be more to come, but it's getting late and I need to pull myself away from editing so that I actually get some sleep. It was a long, but good weekend and the garden was worth the $15 to get in... check back for more installations of photos later.

What's in my bag?

2009-04-20T20:58:00.001-07:00

What's in my bag?, originally uploaded by seedlinggirl88.

This is the stuff in my everyday bag. I take it to work and so I usually have my laptop power cord in there too, but it's obviously in use right now. :^)

Downtown Leica Shoot

2009-04-20T15:31:00.028-07:00

So I really got to get a good taste of what my M8 can do this weekend. I took a couple at dinner on Friday, and then on Sunday Heath drove me downtown and we did one of our old-fashioned downtown shoots. We used to go down there and I'd shoot large format on Saturday mornings before I had to be at work. I guess you could say he is my body-guard (haha) since I don't like going alone, but I like having the company too. We parked close to the Herberger Theater like always and started to meander down Monroe to my favorite building in the Copper Square area, 15 East Monroe. They are in the process of gutting the building and making it into a "boutique" hotel, whatever that means. I also revisited an alleyway with some stenciled signs and neat textures. Then we walked further south toward "the pit" as we called it, which was a huge construction site just to the east of the old courthouse. There were some other neat buildings like the Luhrs Tower and one just down the block with a ton of sweet details and carved cornices. (Right now I am listening to a song called "Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition" on the 40's channel on XM). Anyway, all of the images are in order that I took them. I just LOVE how much light the Leica glass soaks in and all of the crispy details that you get. These photos have not been edited a whole lot besides some minor corrections and then the black and white action that I applied to them. I love having detail and tonal range without having to edit for hours. All I can say is YUM, YUM!

M8

2009-04-07T17:09:00.004-07:00

Well, it finally happened! I paid my camera in full and got to bring it home today! I feel like a new parent, well, sorta. Haha. Anyway, I am still waiting for the battery to finish charging so I can take it out and play with it outside. I LOVE the way it feels in my hands, and I really love how it fits in the leather half-jacket that I have on it. The hand grip is perfect and the design is immaculate. I am in love with the simplicity of the camera and the wonderful manual, yes I said manual, controls. I will post some first shots that I take with it as soon as I can get out the door on a full battery. In the meantime, feast your eyes on these yummy photos of the camera itself!

My Review of CamelBak Trinity Hydration Pack - 100 oz. - Women's

2009-03-17T17:29:00.001-07:00

REI

The women's CamelBak Trinity hydration pack has a short torso length, but it's tall on cargo capacity for all-day adventures.

Feels like a kid riding piggy back...

az_adventuregirl Carefree, Arizona 3/17/2009

Gift: Yes

Pros: Stable, Comfortable, Good Water Flow, Large Capacity, Easy To Refill, Well designed

Cons: None

Best Uses: Extended Hikes, Day Trips

Describe Yourself: Avid Adventurer

What Is Your Gear Style: Comfort Driven

I tried on this bag last year and had about 30 pounds of bean bags in it at the store. I got it for my birthday and it was the best gift I received! I am 5'4" and 110 pounds and it fit perfectly. To me it felt like I had a little kid riding piggy back on my back and it conformed to my hips and shoulders well. I appreciate the split lumbar belt that relieves pressure from the top of the hip area. I have found that a lot of packs pinch there when a lot of weight is placed in the bag. I have used this bag for numerous things including day hikes, as a regular backpack, and even took it on a two day weekend trip. It holds 100 ounces of water which is a ton, but the padding on the back helps to stabilize the bag so you don't feel the bulge of the water bladder. I love the lined pouch in the top for sunglasses as well. The best feature of this bag as far as space is concerned is that the bag merges into the hip belt creating more space at the bottom of the bag. All in all the Trinity is highly versatile and very rugged. I do a lot of hikes in the Arizona mountains through sharp brush and rocks and this doesn't have even a rip or snag.

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Grace

2009-02-19T23:09:00.001-07:00

I find more and more every day that the Grace of God is ever present and unceasing. He is giving me the desires of my heart and molding me into a vessel although ever flawed, ever aims to be more like Him. For a long time I have made my aim something of this world and something totally worthless; like a college degree to make me feel better than a girl who I used to go to school with, or a job that makes me lots of money to show people that I am smart and have the skills to be successful. The more time I spend with Jesus and reading God's own Word, I find that all of these things are in vain if they are not done solely for the glory of God. No wonder I have felt aimless and confused and have questioned my reasons for doing the things that I do and what purpose they serve. I am more excited than ever to follow God and His plan for me in whatever I do. Sometimes, I have so little faith that the same God who made the universe and is so worthy of praise that even the mountains and trees praise Him, and often I doubt that He is big enough to care for me and guide my steps. I will never truly understand how big or how awesome God is, but I know that I will see glimpses of His Glory and His Grace and His Provision all throughout my life. I have no doubt of that.

Black and White

2009-02-05T22:01:00.005-07:00

Here are some of the yummy black and white photos that I edited from Australia the other day. I really like these even more than the last ones. I love the slightly warm tone and the shapes in all of these. I should say that the first photograph is of a lovely white building in Fitzroy, which is a suburb of Melbourne. There were lots of neat shops in Fitzroy, and it was really homey and sort of hippie-like, and looked well lived in. It was sort of dingy, but it had so much character.

The second photograph is especially special to me. I was at Mungo Lake, a World Heritage site where some of the oldest traces of Aboriginal life have been found. I walked across the dunes and saw piles of cracked emu egg shells where the people who lived there so long ago had sat and eaten them and I saw a small dune where a burial site was located among many other things. I also saw miles and miles of empty lake bed where there had once been a considerable sized lake. But when I got to the top of the dunes and was away from the group a little ways it was quiet. I was with Gail Farran, one the TAFE Institute workers, and she and I decided to walk on the dunes the way the Aborigines would have walked on them. Barefoot. We took off our shoes to brave the winter breeze and the coolness of the sand. It was amazing to be in a place like that and to imagine people living there and standing where I had stood. The lines in the sand seemed to tell a story of lots of time and lots of people past. It was my favorite time in Australia. Quite moving actually.

The last photograph is of one of my friends on the trip, Megan. We had the most in common I think and we loved wandering around taking photos of anything and everything. On our last night in Australia, we made tea and drank it on the balcony of our apartment. That night the Australia and New Zealand footie game was going on and so there were a TON of people in the city for the game. We had sat down for tea when the game let out and all of these people were making their ways through the city streets back to hotels and apartments for the night. Now, Megan and I were 9 stories up in a nice little apartment with two balconies, one that overlooked some other apartments, and the one we were on overlooked some beautiful old goverment buildings and also the dumpsters straight down. We sat and drank our tea and Megan smoked and we were enjoying the nice humid air when were heard some men down in the alley. They were laughing and carrying on, mostly drunk sounding, and seemed to be getting further into the alleyway near where the dumpsters were. Megan and I looked over to see three men peeing behind the dumpters! Of course it was quite dark and we were 9 stories up, so naturally we didn't see anything but we positively howled with laughter. We couldn't believe it! She and I were laughing so hard that we were crying and when we looked over the egde again, the guys were looking up to see what the ruckus was. I think they knew we were laughing about them. It was quite the tea time I must say! But those are the stories behind the photographs that I love so much. Look for more to possibly come later...

Australia

2009-02-05T00:08:00.005-07:00

I got a hankering to go through some of my old Australia photographs and see what I could do to make them presentable. Here are some of the favorites from my trip. I'll post more later.

Records. You know, Vinyl

2009-02-04T15:02:00.003-07:00

I am in such a mood to listen to my old records but I haven't found a record player that I liked yet. I don't want to spend an arm and a leg on one right now anyway, so I'll just keep waiting. There are some really cool players out there that will record the original vinyl record into an MP3 right on your computer! I was listening to some old 40's music on XM Radio this morning. Some of the artists who I have records of were on and I wished I could hear a nice, warm, crackly, hissing version of the song. One of these days I will. I like how old records have strange noises going on while you play them and in between tracks, there is always still some sort of noise going on. You can hear the texture and shape of the vinyl itself. I have always been fascinated with it. Oh! I am so excited! I am going to go on a hike this weekend up north of here to a place I have never been. It's all go's unless somebody gets sick or something. It'll be nice to have a hike. I have to start doing my taxes here soon too. I am going to try not to wait to the last minute. Well, I should probably clean up the wreck of a room that I in the middle of since I won't have time the rest of the week.

Sick Again

2009-02-03T09:28:00.003-07:00

Well dangit, I just got over having a cold a couple of weeks ago, and now I have an acute throat infection. At least that's what the doctor said. They put me on antibiotics for 5 days and so hopefully that will get rid of this crud. I hope I can go hiking this next weekend on a hike out near Sheep's Bridge and Seven Springs. I guess there is a cave out there that Heath and Myke said was supposed to be really neat. I hope I can go. I have been missing hiking a lot and really want to get outside. Well, I should go drink some more water and juice. Maybe I'll do some Bible study while I have a lot of quiet time on my hands. Watching this show on TV about killer volcanoes is a little depressing.

The Best Pool Game Ever

2009-02-02T12:45:00.003-07:00

OK, so last night was the Superbowl and I was invited to a friend's house for a party. After the party had gotten well underway, a family of friends who I know showed up with their young daughter to join into the fun. Izza is about 11 or so and she is a real sweetie, but she and I didn't want to watch football so we decided to get a pool game together. Izza had never played pool before, so I told her I would teach her. Heath and Julie played on a team against us, and Izza and I decided to be the underdogs. Now an inporant part of this story is a detail about how we watched the game. From the patio where the pool table is, you can see the TV in the office and so in-between turns we would watch what everyone in the living room was yelling about on the game. Izza and I were doing great and then we had the curse of the 8-ball. She had even made a tough shot while leaning backwards over the edge of the table (her own concocotion of course) and didn't even scratch! We had gotten all of our balls into the pockets and we only had the formidible black ball to get into the last pocket. As I took the shot that I thought couldn't be made, the cue ball glanced off of the cursed 8-ball and slid right into the side pocket. Just as Izza and I started to rejoice on our win (finally), the Cardinals made a much needed touchdown and so everyone inside started yelling and screaming too! Both of these events happened within a half-second of each other. You should have heard the commotion!!! Of course, Izza and I ran in to tell her mom that she had just won her first pool game ever since we didn't really care about the football game. It was so much fun to play with her and teach her the game so she could play with us "big" kids. It is sort of strange to be a "big" kid now that the younger kids look up to and think are "old". I remember being her age and thinking that people who were in their 20's seemed so neat because they were grown-ups, but they still liked to have fun. I hope that I can be a mature "big girl" that Izza can look up to. I really love being around her and her family. It was a fun night that ended with some mad games of Taboo and Cranium. Joe and Heath and I played against Liz, Jake and another girl whose name I sadly don't remember right now. It was so funny watching Jake try to act out his impression of John Wayne and Julia Childs, and to watch Heath draw an picture of tug-of-war. We all laughed so hard. It was good fun and a great time spent with awesome friends. I am so thankful for the time that I have to spend with the people who are such blessings in my life.

Poker and Coke

2009-02-01T00:22:00.004-07:00

I had a blast tonight! I laughed harder than I had in a while. I went and played mini-golf and raced go-karts at CrackerJax. Of course, golf turned the into ultimate mini-golf game with all of us trying to keep the others' golf balls from going into each hole. After we had a mad game of golf and had our own VERY competitive version of the Indy 500, we went to In-N-Out for burgers. Also, a very hilarious experience. Jake was talking about some movie and the bad word in it and then he kept talking about it under his breath. So just to be funny, but let him know that I didn't really like it, I poked him with a french fry. I think it hurt a little more than I wanted it to, since it was a little over-cooked and it sorta decintigrated when I smashed it into the side of his face. I felt kinda bad, but I also thought it was crass to say a word like that even in talking about a movie. I said I was sorry since it hurt. After the seven of us ate we sat around for a while and talked and then Brandon all of a sudden says to me, "Your hair makes you look like a witch." All I could do was start to laugh. I knew that I was having a bad hair day, but I didn't know it was that bad. Of course he said I looked like a good witch, so at least he tried to redeem himself. We finished up there and then decided to go to Myke's house to play poker and when we got there, we couldn't find any poker chips, so we dug up a tiny amount of change (like nine coins per person). All of the coins were worth the same amount since we didn't have very much of the same thing, and the game didn't last long since 9 coins only goes so far with 7 people playing. You know. Odds. So we are all going to go to a Superbowl party at Myke's house tomorrow and I think it'll be fun. I hope to laugh some more. Ok, so the Coke part of the title to this blog post is for the photo at the top. I have loved this photograph that I made in Australia ever since I took it, but I wanted to make it seem brighter and just hadn't taken the time to learn to do it right. So today I was out on Lynda.com and learned about quick masks and some color editing. I love lynda.com! Well, since it's almost 1am, I think I have sufficiently wound down my mind with writing this and I hope that I am not too tired to stop making sense. Sorry if I missed something important here, but it's being up since 6:30 yesterday and 7:57 this morning with late nights in-between that are at work on me now. Happy poker and Coke night ya'll... I am so glad I got to laugh. God, thank you for laughter and friends to enjoy it with!

Friendship

2009-01-29T22:15:00.006-07:00

You know, I got to thinking tonight about friendship. I went to a young adult group with a couple of my girlfriends and had some REALLY loud but good worship time, and then a really great message on 1 John 2. It was about how we are different in our levels of maturity in our walk with God. How we can be like babies and be learning, or then we can more like a young man and be maturing, or we can finally get to where we are mature and are like adults or grandparents. The guy who gave the message said that we should seek out those "mature" Christians and attach ourselves to them and learn from them. I am going to have to go back and re-read the passage so that it can sink in even more and I can remember it better for the journey ahead. I got to talk to one of my girlfriends for a while afterward and am so thankful to have her as a friend. We haven't gotten to spend as much time together lately, but we talked and asked how we could pray for each other in the things that we are going through. To me, friendship is taken so lightly in our culture. We have 800 bajillion "friends" on Facebook or Myspace, our phones are packed with the numbers of people who we met in class and don't even really care if we see again, and we always tell people that "we should catch up sometime" but never really do. How can we say that these people are even our friends? Do we know them? Do we care? When somebody asks us how we are, don't we always say "I'm good" even if we aren't? I think the whole problem with our society today is that we care less about more people instead of caring more about fewer people. I know that there will always be people who I just 'know' as well as the ones who I get to know and am close to. I hope that whoever I know, however well, will see me as a someone who really cares. Speaking of friends, I think the best gift that I recieved this year for Christmas was a gift from an old childhood friend. He and his brother came to visit for a week and near the end of their trip, a box arrived in the mail. I opened it and found a smaller box wrapped in gift wrap. I tore through that to find a small box with a disclaimer: "THIS IS NOT JEWELRY!". We all had a chuckle as I stood in the kitchen, opening the tiny package. As soon as I saw the little box I had known what was inside. It was an arrowhead that my friend and I had found when all of us were just kids goofing around down near the creek. It was out on the edge of a limestone cliff and we both saw it at the same time. I was so shocked I couldn't say anything, and he was so scared of the edge of the cliff that he couldn't move. So he claimed seeing it first, but I went to retrieve it. To the shock of the siblings with us, we started shouting at each other for whose it really was. Finally, after crying and yelling and having to have our moms muddle through what really happened, they told us what we should do. Share it. The arrowhead would stay at his house for a while, and then it could stay at mine. Well, this had happened probably 10 years ago and the arrowhead that we had warred over had never changed territories. So this Christmas, as I opened the box I realized that this was no ordinary gift. It was wonderful and funny to receive this gift with such a history of friendship behind it, and that it was really meaningful. Just thinking of these things makes me so thankful for the friendships that I have.

Just Me

2009-01-28T22:15:00.003-07:00

I feel like I am becoming me. This may not make sense to any of you, but I am feeling more confident in just being me. I am finding out who "me" is and what I can do and what I want to do. I have this urge to spend time with girls who are younger than me. I have no idea why, but it's been on my heart for a while. I want to pay off my camera and then start actually being able to save money to do things that I could want to do later on down the road. I am more confident that people don't just think I am a kid, and have found that people generally don't mind hearing me out and listening. I think that I am starting to be able to get a handle on the fact that I don't have to settle for less than what I deserve. I am finding out that I can handle more pressure and responsibility in my job than I thought I would be able to. I can do things without procrastinating, although I still do sometimes. I can survive being home alone and not die of loneliness. I am able to say what I want to say better than I have before, and let people know how I feel. I can feel pain and disappointment, but I can function without letting it ruin my day. I still get frustrated with bad drivers, and I hate walking past smokers and breathing in the crap they just exhaled, and I feel sorry for myself more often than I should. But I am learning that I can demand the respect of an adult and not get pushed around like a kid, and that I can be taken seriously.

Love = Forgiveness

2009-01-24T00:19:00.006-07:00

I was having a battle before bedtime. It was my heart feeling hurt and mad, yet at the same time feeling loving and forgiving. I was feeling these feelings over something that happened not too long ago that created a hurt spot in my heart. I have had moments of feeling sad, mad, and wronged. I have moments were I feel like hugging the person and slapping the hell out of them at the same time. And tonight (or rather yesterday since it's after midnight now), I was asking the Lord to help me to deal with these feelings. I am struggling with being truly forgiving. I wanted to make sure that I am not just saying that I forgive someone, I want it to be true deep in my heart.

Forgiveness: is the freeing of a person from guilt and its consequences, including punishment; usually as an act or favor, compassion or love, with the aim of restoring a broken personal relationship.

I was crying out to God to help me with these feelings of anger. So I looked in the back of my Bible and found the word anger and I found a reference to 1 Corinthians 13:5 which says

"[Love] is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."

It hit me that this is what it was all about. So I read the entire chapter. It begins with the most powerful sentence in 12:31; "And now I will show you the most excellent way..."

13:1 If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,^[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I found that passage so comforting. It took all doubts of what I my actions and response should be to the wound in my heart. Love. The Bible tells me exactly what love is and that love is directly related to forgiveness! I am so thankful for the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart. I have been asking the Lord to speak to me through the Holy Spirit and give me wisdom about the things in my life I am dealing with now and the things I will deal with at any time in my life. I am so glad that God is specific in His Word. And I am so happy to be able to hear Him speak in my heart!

Grown Up Spaces!!!

2009-01-23T09:03:00.004-07:00

Oh, it doesn't look like a juvenile florophile got into my room with tacky accessories! I have a fun duvet cover that is wonderfully reversible and some quirky new knobs on this little chest of drawers I have. And I put up a semblance of actual "artwork" in the bathroom, and although it's from Ikea, it still looks better than the purple "cat" clock that was previously there. My desk is clean, and there is lovely overcast light coming in through the windows. Overcast days are my favorite to photograph and create on. I just LOVE them. Oh, and speaking of l-o-v-e, Valentines Day is just around the corner. I don't think I've really told anybody, but of all the holidays Valentines is my favorite. I just love getting to make romantic looking cards and sweet treats and having a reason to be super, gooshy nice to people just because. I want to be more like Valentines all of the time with me. Sort of like, I like to give the people in my family gifts throughout the year, because Christmas isn't about that anyway and it's so much nicer to be a little unpredictable. Keep and eye out for lots of pictures and Valentiney stuff...

Letters

2009-01-21T22:43:00.003-07:00

What is it about letters that is so special? I've always loved getting them and sending them and making them beautiful so that they make even the mailman stop and look at them. So many letters are just about business, or end up being junk mail from your local retailers and politicians. I think I love handwritten letters the best, probably because they are the rarest. You can tell who the letter is from by the size and shape of the person's handwriting. The first handwritten letter I have received in the mail in month's came today. Every time I get a letter in the mail, it's like a Christmas gift to me. Actually, I like it better than Christmas gifts. To me, it's one of the nicest ways someone can say that they care.

Not so hot with a cold

2009-01-20T15:04:00.003-07:00

Eww. I have a cold. Although I am not finding it terribly amusing, it has given me some time at home to clean up, sort, and do some researching. I got a nice hot shower and was thanking the Lord for it as it opened up my clogged nose and made me feel less germ-y. I am doing some more de-cluttering and since I am feeling a tad better today, I am going to do some more journaling. I felt bad about dropping it for the past couple of days, but I was feeling pretty lousy. I will not give up on persevering with this, and have been thinking of how I have looked forward to the end of each day to spend time with the Lord. I think I'll wait to take my Nyquil after I journal tonight though... ;^)

Can I Get a Paint Can?

2009-01-19T15:29:00.006-07:00

Ok, I have a major creative bug just itching to get out and do some work on this room of mine. I think one of the loveliest things would be to paint my white walls grey. I am thinking of a nice, light grey with just enough substance to keep everything in the room from floating away. A sort of uncommon neutral. I also want to make new curtains. Nice long ones that actually go to the floor. I think I am going to remake the curtains that I have now into something else useful, and colorful maybe. I think it could be a very much more grown-up room with sophistication. But alas, right now my wardrobe is in the throes of being reorganized and taken stock of, all of my decorating treasures are on the table in the middle of the room, and my photographs are strewn here and there. And I dont want to spend a whole wad of money either. I think I could move everything around enought to paint... hmmm. More to come later as the ideas materilize.

Joy In My Heart

2009-01-16T22:40:00.006-07:00

You know, I don't think I had experienced joy for a long time until the other day. Joy is hard to describe. This was a sort of feeling that I hadn't really had since I was a kid. I was finishing up my shower about a week ago and all of a sudden I was aware of a feeling of nothing. I wasn't worried about Heath, I wasn't afraid of the decisions I am going to have to make in my life, and I wasn't insecure about... anything! For a long time, I have felt very cynical about the struggles and obstacles in my life, however small they may be. I have worried about what path I am going to take in my life next and what people around me will think of the choices I make about what I do in my life. But on this night I experienced peace which led to unrequited joy, and I just about danced out of the shower. I had been actually talking to the Lord about what is going on in my life and the things I struggle with in my character, even though He already knows what I am going to say and what I am feeling. It's like, God is real, and He likes to hear from me just like a real live human being would. I think of it this way; I would feel bad if I never said anything to my Mom and just thought about how much I love her, or if I just thought about having conversations with her. I realized that the same is even more true with God. He's not that far away. Some people may think that God is some 'thing' that we can pray to and hope that He decides to listen and possibly even do something about our prayers. But I think that God is like the invisible friend that you always had as a kid when you got lonely. When we were young, that invisible friend was just as real as any other, but the difference was that the invisible one never had to go home. I have found that the Holy Spirit is always with me and really does speak to me when I listen, and I have felt peace in my life like I have never experienced before. I have always known Godly people throughout my life, and when I have been stressed about something in my life, they always told me to just "give it to the Lord". I felt like I was missing something when I "gave it to Him", but didn't "feel" any better or different really. But the truth is, I wasn't really giving the problems and stress and anxiety to God, I was telling Him that I would trust Him if I didn't have to take a risk. Trust is reliance and confidence in a person, and the Bible affirms the total trustworthiness of God, especially in relation to his promises to his people. Christian faith is, essentially, trust in the person and character of God. Now the grounds for trust in God are His power and strength, His unfailing love, and His salvation. When we trust God, He promises results of peace, security, protection from danger, freedom from fear, prosperity (often of a spiritual nature), strength and physical life. This is how I know that I am learning to trust God! I am experiencing most if not all of these things in my own life right now. This in turn causes me to have joy in the everyday blessings of life and in the work that God continues to do in my heart, and I want everyone to know it!

Babies are the name of the game...

2009-01-04T15:59:00.004-07:00

Well, I have been enjoying my job photographing newborn babies at the hospital. I work with First Day Photo and do professional shoots right in the hospital rooms of our clients. It has been so much fun, I thought that I should just post a couple of photos here...

The Most Disturbing Thing

2008-11-11T22:17:00.002-07:00

I saw the most disturbing, sick, awful thing on TV today. It was an AD on the Discovery Channel about, get this, a MAN who had a baby. I had to look away. It was the weirdest, grossest thing I could have ever imagined. It blew my mind how a doctor and two people could actually endeavor to do that. The culture that we live in today is so demented and backwards from the culture we lived in 100 years ago. Since the beginning of man's existence, women have born offspring and men have been the protector/provider for the women and children. How have we gone so awry from knowing that the human physiology is specifically different in men and women for a reason and for a purpose to taking advantage of medical knowledge and rearranging our bodies however we please? I don't even know what to say...

An interesting link...

2008-08-27T10:09:00.002-07:00

Someone sent me an interesting link the other day of a link to MediaStorm's website.

www.mediastorm.com

I watched three videos there, 'Love in the First Person', 'The Sandwich Generation', and 'The Chernobyl Legacy'. All three were very interesting, and very well done. I was impressed by the quality and presentation of the site as a whole. These kinds of videos are the kind of thing that I really would love to be able to do more of. After watching 'The Sandwich Generation', it renewed that interest in me to spend some time with my Meme and Papa King and write down their stories. I want to do the same with my Grandma and Grandpa, they are just a little harder to get a hold of since they both still work. I have often wondered how a project like that would execute itself and have a purpose for it at the end. I have thought that it would be nice to get my camera paid off and then be able to spend some time with them in the summer. The video of Chernobyl really touches the emotions and creates a longing to speak out for those that can't and to be brave enough to venture into their world, as unfamiliar as it may be. I am trying to get over my fear of what people think of me. I had not realized that it was something that I needed to deal, but it has made itself evident in small ways that I have finally noticed. I want to do the projects I have in my mind with fearless enthusiasm and a courage to say what I want to say.

Being Lovely

2008-08-21T21:12:00.002-07:00

I have always admired Audrey Hepburn. She is just plain lovely. Ever since I was a little girl, I loved the way she walked and talked and most of all the timeless way that she dressed. I had never really wondered where she got her clothes until the other day. That's when I fell in love with vintage Givenchy. Oh, the exquisite fabrics and lines and simple yet elegant details! I suppose I most like Audrey's style because it was so timeless and elegant. Yet, she could be fun and fresh looking. I am of the opinion that you should not make your whole wardrobe a plethora of the mercurial fashions currently "in" at the moment. Every classic woman should have the essentials in her closet and accentuate her style with small details from the current trends. It is of greatest annoyance to me to see so many girls and women looking all the same in some rather unbecoming getup, or worse, in a shocking embarrassment to the female population. Whatever happened to charm, mystery, and grace? Those are things that I absolutely love about Audrey! She carries the same sense of poise and grace even in the candid pictures of her. I think my favorite movie that she was in is Breakfast At Tiffany's. Classic, simply classic.

Cake dreams...

2008-07-15T11:35:00.004-07:00

Well, I have been thinking more about the cake decorating business. I think I am going to get some styrofoam to make some dummy cakes to be able to photograph and put up on a website. I have some cute ideas, but just need to find a way for people to be able to see them. I am excited about making some extra money to put towards my camera since I have less hours with work being so slow. I tried some muffin recipes a while back and had fun taking pictures of the finished muffins, although I have an easier time with cakes. They just come more naturally to me. Of the ones that I tried, there was a vanilla cupcake with raspberries that wasn't too sweet that had coconut in it that was good (shown above). I tried an apricot and pistachio muffin as well, but I wanted it to be fluffier. We'll just say that the peach and dried tomato muffins would have been better as just peach muffins. The tops of those were the perfect muffin top though. You could rip them off in one piece and they had just a tad of a crusty edge. I think I am having a hard time starting this little venture up because I have done photo work for people before and they haven't been happy with it. I was talking to my mom and she was telling me about a woman who would rather sell her work than show it, but I am the opposite way. I would rather show work that I am passionate about, and would be open to selling it if someone was interested, but I have a hard time trying to make something to someone else's tastes, not mine. I don't know what my hang-up is. I just really want to keep creating because I want to create, not because I have to. I want people to appreciate my work for what I make it, and not feel like I have to conform to someone else's idea of my work. I want to create like a kid, just because, and to make something that is purely enjoyable.

What's in a name?

2008-07-14T19:46:00.003-07:00

"To forget ones ancestors is to be a brook without a source, a tree without a root"

-anonymous

I don't know why, but for some reason lately, I have been thinking about the names of some of my dead relatives. Ever since I was a kid, my mom had this picture of her grandmother Bertie Parker in an old wooden frame. Bertie looks about fourteen in the picture and is wearing a rather nice calf-length outfit. I remember the day I asked my mom what her name was and ever since I have been enamored with it. I always thought that if I ever have a little girl, I'll name her Bertie. My other great grandmother's name was Grace. I wish I could have known both of them, and been able to hear about their lives and experiences.

ZINK

2008-07-01T12:56:00.006-07:00

I saw this technology a while back while it was still being created. I remembered it today for some reason and found out that it is going to be released for sale on July 6th. I thought it was a really interesting little thing and think that it could be a very viable new way of printing. I know that I wouldn't mind having something that could spit out 2x3's in less than a minute. Watch some of the videos to learn more. It's really cool stuff.

For more info go to www.zink.com to learn more and find out about ZINK partners.

The mean reds...

2008-04-22T23:11:00.004-07:00

Well, I haven't posted anything in 22 days. So sorry. I have been a little unlike myself lately. My little sis is leaving for northern California for the summer and I won't see her for three months or longer. I'm having a hard time. We just had her graduation party here at the house and invited a bunch of friends and had lots of food and all that. She is going to work at a camp that she has really wanted to work at for a long time, so I am glad for her, but I don't know what it will be like without her around. Needless to say, my inspiration to post here has not been at the front of my mind. I hope you all understand. I'm just a sappy big sis with a case of the "mean reds" as Audrey Hepburn called them in Breakfast at Tiffany's. I made a short video title "Through a Sister's Eyes" and played it on the night of her graduation. We both cried. Ciao 'till later.

More thoughts on the Leica

2008-04-01T20:11:00.004-07:00

I think that I should explain my current thought process and reasoning behind my interest in the Leica M8. I have spent a lot of time working with my Canon 20D now, and have found that I just had such a hard time getting the color, clarity and sharpness from it that I want. I feel very conspicuous whenever I pull it out of my bag, and feel that I have lost that manual connection between the camera and photographer. I became interested in the M8 when I found out that it was all manual and very similar in design to a film camera. Now, as you know, I have been working with large form at for over half the semester now, and have really enjoyed the photographs that I am making. I do not plan on abandoning or giving up large format. I simply have been turning the thought over in my head to either go only to film, or find an alternative to my current digital that has not been meeting my needs. Well, I think that the Leica would definitely meet the needs of a digital camera while upholding better optical standards and simplicity of control. When I held the M8 in the leather half-jacket it fit in my hands as if it was made for me. The simplicity of design was more of what I have wanted to find in a camera since I began shooting with the more complex 20D. It makes more sense to me at this point to make progress in getting the M8, since I have access to a large format camera.

Leica M8

2008-03-29T23:30:00.002-07:00

Well, I think I have finally found the happy medium between digital and film. The Leica has been in production since 1913, and was the first 35mm camera made for production. You can still get the best image from a Leica almost one hundred years later than the other leading camera manufacturers. I had a moving experience the other night. I was in my history of photography class and we were talking about the Leica and what it meant for photography. You could shoot faster, quieter, and more inconspicuously than before. 35mm film introduced the need to enlarge negatives to the same size as the 6x9cm format that was popular at the time. Rod showed us a couple of Leicas; one was a film model and the other was the new M8 10.3MP digital body. The lights were mostly off in the auditorium save for a few around the perimeter since we were looking at a video, but he snapped a picture and showed it to us. I was captivated. I didn't even get to touch the camera, but somehow I knew that something about this digital was different. I noticed the tonal range on the screen and the sharpness of focus even in such a low light condition. What makes focus in low light situations with the Leica is the rangefinder. It is a manual way of focusing (there is not autofocus on this camera whatsoever), and matches up a patch of the picture with a focus patch. So it looks like you are overlapping two images until they match perfectly. Autofocus would be hunting around and then, even if you did manual focus, you would have a hard time getting a standard SLR lens to focus accurately in the dark. So yesterday I went down to the store where Rod works and along with running into a classmate, I got to "try out" the M8. I had a life changing experience. I wanted to see what it would do in the sunlight, but sat mesmerized with the simplicity and cleanness of the whole camera. It is a piece of art. There are no crazy displays with a bunch of numbers and letters and codes. When I looked through the camera, I felt like I was going back to my old Minolta with the way the TTL light meter worked. Someone not savvy in camera models would not know that it was digital unless they looked at the back and say the rather large, juicy screen. The menus were well laid out and not too fussy or complex or overdone. It was the essentials and nothing more. Rod put a leather half-jacket on it and it fit me like a glove. I have found my match. I haven't told my family or friends (except one) that I am selling my 20D, all of the lenses that I have for it, and all of the accessories. I haven't told them that I am also selling the light kit that isn't working for me. And I haven't told them of my plans to own an M8. I would also like to own a Leica film body as well, just for versatility's sake and for re-inventability. Is that a word? I feel that you always have to be re-inventing the way you see and photograph in order to progress in your image making. I am thinking of everything else I can sell to put towards the camera and the lens. I haven't ever had a camera fit in my hand and feel so right in my life. Oh, happiness in photogging.... :^D

Darkroom meditation...

2008-03-26T23:39:00.002-07:00

No, I was not doing yoga in the darkroom! I printed more proof prints tonight and was so pleased with one that I made in an alleyway downtown. I'll include a scan of the fiber print here once it is dry and flat tomorrow. Oh, I LOVE fiber base paper. The tonal range totally blows the doors off of any RC paper that I have ever used. Who can complain about the longer processing time, when your images are ten times more beautiful?! I was the only one in the darkroom tonight for the longest time. The three o'clock class had been cancelled, so the lights were all off. At least the darkroom was set up, although I think I was getting the tail end of the chemicals. Everything printed fine but I could see the stop bath going dark by the time I left. It was nice to have the darkroom to myself. No one was there to blast annoying music on the radio, no waiting for an open tray, no ridiculous conversation about the most dumb and random things on the planet. It was just me, myself, and the smell of fix. Now, almost three hours later, my hands still reek of my rubber gloves and fix. I pretty much have to just outright take a shower to not smell like a darkroom. I wish I had a place to develop and print that was closer to home. I REALLY wish that I actually had my own darkroom, but that seems a little out of reach right now. I am still debating whether or not to sell my digital camera to put toward a large format.

I feel like digital has got everyone thinking that it is invincible and that there is no other option for successful photography anymore. I want to get on top of my roof and shout that, "FILM STILL EXISTS!" and ditch any evidence that I ever owned a digital. Well, I would still like a simple little point and shoot for taking on my hikes with my sister and our friends so that we have proof of all the crazy stuff that we have done. When I talk about getting rid of the digital, people say, "Well, I don't think you really want to do that, do you?" My reply is "Yes, I sure do." I was talking to a friend just before I started this post and was telling him about the first paid project that I did, digital of course. It was not very fun. In fact, I really hated it. Here I was, a senior in high school taking college level classes and pretty much being cajoled into doing this thing. The job was to photograph about fifty people receiving some sort of certificate at this conference that my dad and a business partner were doing. There wasn't a lot of time to get things organized the way I would have liked them to be and there was a mixup on the date and it was just stressful all the way around. I had to have prints made in an hour and had to go back the next day since some of the people didn't show up. It did not go smoothly and left a bitter taste in my mouth for jobs that are "just for the money". After that job, I had a lot of pressure to shoot family portraits of people at church and stuff and they didn't expect me to charge them very much if anything at all. I was volunteered to shoot a church directory and should have just said no. It was an eight-week long, cat-herding, toenail-pulling ordeal. As things would have it, I learned the hard way about backing up your hard drive with that project. I lost the whole dang thing last fall. I don't know why I felt like I had to say all of that, but I feel better after saying something about it. I have never really talked about my failures in photography, mostly because they have been with my digital camera and it's almost sacrilegious to say anything against it. Now, I really admire some of the digital work that I have seen some people do, but I just do feel like it is what I need to be doing right now. I think I am a dying breed of small fish swimming in a very large ocean...

Maybe I should become a master printer...

Stamp collage...

2008-03-26T12:14:00.004-07:00

I got to thinking about the massive stash of stamps that I have from my Grandma. She has been ripping, cutting, and peeling the darn things off of envelopes for years now. She stuffs them in a Zip-lock baggy and brings them to me every time she visits. I took some pictures of some of them once and thought that I could work on a series of them again just with the large format. I mean, I have TONS of them! Some interesting things could result including a collage type work. The last time I shot them, I did so with color film and on top of the carpet. The hues were very blue because of the time of day, and I'm not sure that the carpet added the most interesting of detail. It seemed a little odd. They were also shot from an angle and not looking at them straight down. I think black and white could be very interesting indeed......

Notes from the little black book...

2008-03-25T12:18:00.004-07:00

I started writing down ideas and quotes and diagrams and just about everything that I found interesting about photography that I wanted to remember in a Moleskine notebook about two years ago. I am at the end of the little black book and am going to need to go get a new one this week. I like having all of the little tidbits of everything all in that little book. I don't know how I am going to deal with carrying additional ones with me once I have been writing in them for a while. It is just the right size to put in a pocket, or camera bag and has lines that are just right. I have always had a pet peeve with the lines in journals. Mostly they are too thick, too dark, and don't match up on the other page. My notebook has faint grey lines that match to the lines on the opposite page allowing me to write all the way across if I want to. It also has a little pocket at the very back. Nice for business cards, money, and other random scraps. Ok, I guess I'll actually include an excerpt from the little black book that I have been babbling about this whole time...

...

Barriers to Seeing:

-The greatest is preoccupation.

-The mass stimuli around us. We create a sort of tunnel vision that keeps us from seeing.

-Labeling that results from familiarity. We must forget the name of the thing we are looking at.

A photographer who wants to see, to make fine images, must recognize the value of the familiar. Even the camera can become a barrier. The camera is a means of converting experiences into images. Making pictures can be a substitute for seeing and participating. The camera is also a slight barrier because it does not see as the human eye does. People are constantly abstracting, and do it without thinking. The camera does not.

Except for the differences between the camera and the human eye, all barriers to seeing are related to the first one. Seeing, in the finest and broadest sense, means using your senses, intellect, and emotions. Good seeing doesn't ensure good photographs, but good photographic expression is impossible without it.

...

That is just one of the many pages of ideas and thoughts, either my own or another's, that inspire me and help me to discover the art of seeing and being passionate about making images.

Beautiful Silver

2008-03-20T22:53:00.002-07:00

I am about to turn inside out with the negatives that I developed today. I have only looked at them once and still they have hold of my memory. I accidentally loaded two sheets of film into the same slot of the developing tank and when I pulled them out to do my hypo-clear, there was a white spot on one of them. I called Rod at Photomark to see what I should do and ended up just having to fix it again. It is the most beautiful, promising, and haunting negative I have developed so far. I don't know what it is, but the image of it is still right there in front of my face. I noticed details in the shadow areas that I could've never seen on a 35mm negative and was elated to find that a million more ideas of how to shoot the same place occurred to me. I think I could spend weeks exploring downtown and making images that capture the beauty in the things that people normally just walk right by. I made a couple of other photographs that are of the top edges of buildings made from street level. I looked up at this old place on Monroe being remodeled and saw that all of the windows were open and a bare flagpole sat atop the empty structure. It seemed very much abandoned even though it was being repurposed, as if it was loosing something. Maybe it looked like it was crying in a way, but I am still not really sure. If I had the resources, I would love to travel to various big cities and take photographs of the old buildings that have been forgotten, or are being remade into new things, or the pieces of old buildings that you find in the new ones. I should look into getting a grant from the arts commission. You have no idea what it means to me as an artist to find that deep rooted excitement about making something beautiful that is just silver on film taken with a complicated and bulky apparatus that is like playing with your own mind. You can get lost in moving inside the image and around it and under and in front of it. You can let your intuition take over and forget about why you ever wanted to impress people. You simply are in it for the ecstasy of the moment you make a good photograph.

100

2008-03-19T11:12:00.004-07:00

I am still thinking about the book idea that I want to do on people over 100 years old. I want to do some other projects as well, but I know that I'll get a little criticism. I think that it would be interesting to do a series on downtown, but I don't know if the people who are there are what I want to focus on, or the architecture, or the graffiti or what. When I talk about my ideas (to my family members, at least) I get reactions that I am sure a lot of people get from the people closest to them. My mom, for example, likes stuff that I shoot that is very straightforward, in focus, and not too odd. She likes pictures of trees and traditional portraits and things that are very easy to understand visually. Most of the time when I show her something that is out of the ordinary for what I have done traditionally in the past, her words are "It just doesn't do anything for me." It is frustrating to get the same reaction when trying to make photographs that I want to make. Another recent let-down was a Valentines Banquet that I shot at our church. It was just the usual of couples posed together, but I didn't have any connection with them and therefore the pictures just seem static and uninteresting. Which they are. Plus that, the place where I had them printed really messed up the contrast. That's what you get for going to Sam's Club in a pinch, I guess. So, I have ideas that I want to work on, but I can't really hash them out with members of my family and a lot of my friends don't really understand what I have in mind either. I suppose I just need to find other photographers who can lend unbiased objective and provide useful critique while understanding the technical side of things as well.

Reading Material

2008-03-15T23:10:00.002-07:00

I just bought a copy of "A Tree Grows In Brooklyn" by Betty Smith. It is one of my all time favorites and I am so glad to have my own copy to be able to peruse and re-read at will. I love her writing voice, it is so descriptive. I also bought a book about the philosophy of photography and some social commentary by ordinary people (which was quite interesting by the way) and a darkroom handbook. I am itching to get at them and start reading. This week, my creativity has ranged from painting a "save polaroid" stencil on the back of my car to decorating a cake for a friend of mine (only to have the icing "melt" off the sides into drifts of icing) and shooting some digital out at one of the local lakes. My favorite photo is of my friend Heath's eye, in which you can see the reflection of me and the lovely blue sky in his intensely blue eyes. It was my favorite although I also got some others that were extreme close-ups of small plants under the trees. I am still in a quandry about whether or not to downsize or get rid of my digital camera all together so as to be able to more readily purchase a large format camera. I was thinking that I would like going back to shooting just a prime medium length lens like a 50mm or something like that. I don't know. I'll figure it out eventually...

Save Polaroid

2008-03-11T11:46:00.005-07:00

Somebody save Polaroid! The company who makes Polaroid film has quit production of the instant film and if another company fails to pick up the line, Polaroid will disappear. I do not use it that much, but I have found Polaroid to be useful in framing a shot and is nice to have as a reference while waiting to develop your negatives. Some use it for alternative processes and there are others who just like it for regular old snapshots. It's sad that it could disappear, and I would honestly be surprised if a company did not choose to buy Polaroid and continue production. I guess we'll see what the outcome is eventually. I spent my morning painting a stencil from www.savepolaroid.com onto the back of my car. If you go to the site, there is an "action pack" that you can download in PDF form that has some neat posters and the stencil in there as well as some open letters already addressed to some film companies. It was a nice way to spend a spring break morning. Tonight I am going on a picnic with my sis and a friend and will hopefully make some more photos tonight. Check this link out for a really nice photo essay with audio from Michael Blanchard.

http://www.michaelblanchard.com/index.cfm?postID=184

I'll be photogging until later.....

Large Format Bliss

2008-03-05T12:54:00.004-07:00

I am in love..... with large format photography. I decided to give it a try this semester after really beginning to feel burned out and totally drained of all creativity. I feel like my digital camera is holding me back. Don't get me wrong, I like having it since the results are instant, but my images were too easy to make and I didn't like what I was getting. Shortly after the semester began, I was looking through some of my old photos and was remembering how exciting it as to get that one great image back from the lab. I wanted that feeling again. So, a couple of Sundays ago, I went on the field trip with the LF (large format, for future reference) class and had so much fun shooting what I wanted to shoot. It felt so good to pull the dark slide, expose my film, and replace the slide knowing in my mind the picture that I had. I was so excited to develop so that I could at least see my negatives and was ecstatic about what I saw. Then, when I printed my proof prints, I practically ran to my car giggling and didn't really even care that I was going to be a bit late for work. I had them. I had pictures that I was happy with, and that I cared about and that was all I cared about. I didn't think about making photos good enough to sell, I didn't care if anybody liked them, and I felt satisfied. To be honest, I haven't felt really satisfied with a picture of mine in a long time. Oh sure, there are a few that I like and catch my eye more than once, but the majority are just blips of digital information that takes up room on my hard drive.

Just give me silver negatives and the smell of photo chemicals wafting down the art building hall any day of the week and I'm happy.

cyanotype success

2007-11-18T23:14:00.001-07:00

Well, today I did an encore demonstration of the cyanotype process at the Hidden In the Hills art tour Sudio 1. I had done a demo yesterday, but needed some more finished squares to make the final art piece and didn't want to be filling too many gaps with my on stuff, since this is a community art project. It was great. I ended up with 35 finished squares and will probably make the rest of the remaining ones into salt splotch only for the border. I think I am going to piece the stuff together next weekend. Maybe. Well, I just wanted to give an update on what was going on in Seedling-Land. Hot toast....

guerilla art

2007-11-05T22:24:00.000-07:00

I installed my first piece of guerilla art last night. I took Amy and Josh with me and we went and put the paper cranes in a small bush at the top of a hill that hikers in the area frequent. It took us a while, but the end result was nice. It makes me want to put up more installations. I have an idea that includes using vellum paper to make transparent sculpture type pieces. I am excited about the possibilites.

On another creative note I think that Amy and I have decided to do the NORBA National race series this next summer and I plan on documenting the experience with photographs, videos and blog entries. It should be an interesting project and one that will be good for my portfolio. Ole frijoles... :^)

journal for the masses...

2007-10-01T23:05:00.001-07:00

I want to start a journal for the masses. It would be a collective effort from many people and would eventually end back up with me. My purpose for doing this project would be to let people say what they want to say without hesitation. I think it would also be a cool thing to do to capture the culture of today for future generations and pass on the everyday life. I wonder how many people whould like to just write down what has been on their mind and get it over with. Just get it out. I would like to keep track of where the journal is (hopefully) by letting people email that they have the journal and where they are in the states, or even the world. Now I just need to find the journal... :^)

sleepy head...

2007-09-30T22:29:00.000-07:00

Today Mom and Amy and I drove my car up to Seven Springs to check out the campground and to just satisfy our curiosity in general. We girls have always been adeventursome and always like to explore new places. Since the gravel road wasn't too bumpy, my "me sized" car did OK. When we got up there, it smelled really good, like trees and water and fall. It was quiet. We went down to a little section of the creek and saw deer and raccoon tracks. There was a big boulder in the middle of the stream with some smaller rocks up against it. The water flowed between and over the rocks and made a sound like a bathtub when it is emptying. We thought it was quite original. I hope that we can go camping up there with Kyle. I think that we are going to invite Ben Boyd too. He's really quite nice and likes to carry on intelligent conversations, much like Kyle. I have often found myself chit-chatting with people who I do not know very well about the most shallow and unimportant things. I know that you have to do that sometimes, but I find it easier to actually talk and have a conversation with a few people who I know well. It is easier for me to keep track of less people and have more meaningful relationships, than to know a lot of people and talk about nothing, or only have a good talk with them once in a loooong while. I need to write to my best friend Rachel. I always neglect writing to her beacuse she is so far away and, I hate to admit it, but it's the whole out of sight out of mind thing. I try to keep one of her letters hanging over my desk to remind me of her. Her birthday is this next month on the 19th...

Still thinking

2007-09-29T22:34:00.000-07:00

I am still wanting to go to Brooks Institute of Photography in Santa Barbara, California. I am looking for a job right now to save the money I will need to buy a medium format camera for my classes. I often feel bad about needing to depend on my parents for gas money, and don't think I have a good enough plan (if I even have one at all) to save money. I don't like being stressed out about how much is in my account. Amy says to just get a job. I am pursuing an opening at a jeweler, but the guy still needs a couple of weeks to figure out if and what he would need me for. Most people proabably think I am in over my head with all of the stuff I am doing right now, and also probably think that if I just quit some stuff, I would have more money to save. They are probably right. I am working on a logo for the Cave Creek Film and Arts Festival that, if I won, could bring me $500. I could pay for my dance choreography and show fee and maybe even have a little left over to put towards my costume. I am also going to enter the 28th Annual College Photographers Contest again this year. First prize is $1000. I have some great ideas that are just sitting in my head, waiting for a way to become reality. I came up with a really interesting idea for an engagement photo. I wish I could describe it, but it is so complex that only the photograph itself could show what my idea is. Oh, so many things, and just enough doubt.

19th Birthday Commentary

2007-09-18T12:38:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am. Nineteen years old and happy to be one year older. I am excited to go new places and do new things, and see what all is going to happen in my young life. I am currently in the process of finding a job, and am also thinking about places to intern and learn about the business of photography. I still really believe that I should go into photojournalistic photography and get all of this travelling out of my system while I am still unattached and young. I still think that I will want to have my own "studio" of sorts someday and take pictures of people in a way that conveys who they really are. I have no idea where all of this is going, but I am excited to be an artist. I am determined not to be a starving artist. I want to share my knowledge of photography with people and maybe someday I'll teach it. I think it would be cool to work for a magazine like National Geographic; someone who I could shoot photos and maybe ever write for that I could make a difference I peoples' lives. I will not be quiet about what needs to be said, even if it's only my photographs speaking. As of now, my interest is not so much political as just curious to know more about the people and places and to make people think about the images that they see, whether film or video, and to examine thier lives and those of the people around them. I am just a seedling in this world and am in a journey to grow closer to God and live a life that glorifies Him.